the one before the one...and the next one...and the one after that

Apparently some British chick already wrote a book about it, but I'm living proof.  It's absolutely uncanny how every single guy I've seriously dated (or "dated") in the last 8 - 10 years has married the next woman he dated seriously.  Not joking.  Clearly, I spend anywhere from 1 to 2.5 years giving them a heavy dose of "what I don't want in my relationship" and then somehow, miraculously, they find it pretty soon thereafter.  As usual, a rundown:

My law school boyfriend, who couldn't possibly get married to me.  I was 24.  He was 27.  We lived together in a room smaller than my current apartment for 2 years, including a sweltering and excruciating summer studying for the bar exam.  You want to talk about something that would break up even the perfect couple, go spend 3 months studying for a test together.  In a really hot apt that only has AC in one room.  You will be so super awesome by the end of that, I promise.  The warning signs came after the bar exam, when I finally had an income and therefore could get my own apt (and not just sort of one day have moved all my crap to his place after I had to bail from my parents' house), he let me move out.  We had been together over 2 years at this point, we were both starting new jobs, I thought that clearly we were on the fast track to marriage.  (I was 24...remember this).  I moved out in August.  We broke up by December.  I guess if he liked it then he would've put a ring on it.  I heard he got married about a year or so later, to a law school classmate of ours.  Ouch.



My first year of having a real job (FYOHARJ) boyfriend.  This one followed hot on the heels of my law school boyfriend debacle (there may have been minor overlap, but nothing serious).  This was the kind of relationship that started off bolting out of the gate, and then sort of slowly faded over time.  Had I said the word, I would've been Mrs. FYOHARJ right now.  Although he's a sweet guy, I think one of us may have ended up being thrown off a balcony by now.  I just couldn't do it.  We had a mildly contentious breakup, followed by him (1) moving in with a female classmate of his as "roommates"; (2) dating roommate and (3) marrying roommate.  Which all started within about 6 weeks after our breakup.  Alright, good for him. 

My deal goggles boyfriend.  We worked together.  All the frigging time.  In fact, all I did for those 15 months was work, so it was exceptionally convenient that the one person who also worked with me all the time was single, lived one subway stop away and was totally into me.  And we STILL never did it on the desk.  Sigh.  Man, did we try to make that work.  When it comes down to it, we really just had less than nothing in common, to the point where at the end we were doing things that we knew would intentionally piss each other off.  We had lots of vague and going nowhere talks about "the future" and things of that sort, but when it came down to it, we both had ideas about the future, they just didn't include each other.  Right.  We kept banging for about 6 months after breaking up, at which point he said "I'm dating this other chick, and I think it's getting serious, so I guess we have to stop banging."  True to form, the wedding is in May.  He actually called me for a consult about the engagement ring (and sucker that I am, I spent 45 min freezing my ass off on a street corner talking to him about the 4 C's).  However, when we started to have an IM conversation about whether band or DJ was a better option, I decided my work there was done. 

So I'll just use this as an open letter to my 2009 "boyfriend" who is now dating some other chick - it's clearly time to start socking away 2 months' salary because, no matter how much you don't want to, you will end up marrying your current girlfriend.  I'm sorry, but that's just how it goes.