The Rules

I've never been the kind of girl who subscribed to "rules" of dating. I'm also 30 and single. And I have a newly-engaged office mate who shares her theories of dating and relationships with me to the point where either she & I live on different planets, or I'm just an idiot. She's engaged. I may be an idiot.

So, Greg and office mate, I'm giving your theories a shot (with a few twists of my own).

The 2010 Dating Rules:

1. Don't call him, and never ask him out. Apparently, not ever. Who knew this? According to my sources, guys like to pursue women. Well, I mean, I knew that. But, even in this age of equality and liberation, I'm not allowed to pick up the phone (or text or email, you get the drift) and suggest "let's get a drink sometime." Apparently as soon as I do that, I go from "attractive" to "needy and desperate." This makes no sense to me. I'll try it.

2. Don't be too available. This one makes sense. No one wants to date someone who is always sitting at home waiting for them to call ("You want to have dinner with me in 15 minutes at a place half hour from my apartment? Don't worry - I'll be there!" = unattractive). However, I'm a busy girl with a lot going on after work. My fail-safe is usually to accept dates if they are offered on a night when I'm actually free. Apparently, this is a no-go. My Google calendar could now resemble some sort of NASA-style scheduling operation for all of the "I'm free", "I'm not free" and "I could cancel this to hang out with X guy but I'm not free unless X guy calls" that I've got going on there. So, if you want to hang out, I'm busy. But I'm free on Tuesday.



3. 2 drink minimum. The first date must-have. You can't get to know someone in the 15 - 20 minutes it takes to slowly drink one glass of wine. Therefore, it's a 2 drink minimum. (I hear my grandmother in the back of my head saying "give them a chance! Don't be so quick to judge!" as I write this). On average, it takes about 1 to 1 1/2 hours to order, obtain, drink slowly and pay for 2 drinks in a standard NYC bar (this process could also be done in 10 minutes, which leads to rule #4). This is enough time to determine whether you (a) have enough in common to actually keep a conversation flowing for most of this time; (b) can stand to be in the other person's presence for a significant amount of time; and (c) get to know enough about them to determine if you want to see them again. Which leads to the...

4. 2 drink maximum. The companion first date must-have. Two glasses of wine on an empty stomach after work is enough to determine whether factors (a), (b) and (c) are met, and whether you want to see this person again. In VERY special circumstances does the 2 drink max become a 3 drink max (food is involved, the drinks are super small or coming super quick, etc). I seldom followed this rule in the past. Which caused violations of rule #5.

5. For the love of all that is holy, don't bang him on the first date! For some reason, it took me 30 years (well, I guess more like 16, but that's a technicality) to get this one. If one more time I am told that men will not "buy the cow when they get the milk for free," I am going to move to a dairy farm. I also resent being called a cow. Also, following rule #5 is more likely to avoid awkward morning "where am I and who are you" moments, as well as leading to exciting things like potential second dates where you eat actual food. Amazing.

6. Always, always, always leave them wanting more. It makes sense, right? I mean, you're not going to go back for seconds at the buffet if you already had a towering plate of mac & cheese, right? Let's say the first date is amazing. You totally click. He understands why you don't like to eat foods that are blue and totally laughed at your bad summer camp canoe incident story. You want to try the same 10 restaurants in the city. You love the same bands and one of them is touring in a month. He's actually dropped the "you'd totally get along with my mom" during the first conversation. The chemistry is THERE, baby! So, you should hang out for 6 hours, and go to work hungover the next day, right? WRONG. Follow Rule No. 4 (modified as necessary for the 3 drink "super special situation"). Use the warm / cool approach (credit to my office mate) ("I'd love to have another drink, this is so fun, but I really need to get up and train for my triathlon tomorrow at 5 am"). And go HOME. Not his home - yours. And don't bring him with you. (Rule 5! Rule 5!). Because, if he felt it too, and if you don't call him (which, as mentioned earlier, you CAN'T), he's going to ask you out again. Because he wants seconds.

7. If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you. You saw the movie. You read the book. This one is HARD to understand. In fact, this one took me the most effort to put into practice, but since I have, it's gotten a lot easier to head out on first dates without planning the wedding somewhere around the 45 min mark. If you have your 2 drinks, you have a nice time, you don't bang him in the bar bathroom and you head home, he'll call you. If your phone is not ringing, it's not because he lost your number (you met online, remember? he could email you there). It's not because he's been so busy at work that he didn't have 45 seconds to text "work has been crazy, but I really would like to see you again. Are you free Friday?". It's not because he's mourning the death of his goldfish or the Yankees' loss last night. Drill it into your head - Greg's right - he's just not that into you. Once you get that straight, you can move on. Because one thing I've learned for sure is that in a city like this, there is always another one around the corner.