Sometimes relationships get ill...no doubt

Looking back at the last year or so of my life, had I followed even ONE of my 2010 dating rules I would have had quite a different 2009.  It's actually kind of amazing how from my current outlook on all of this dating nonsense, I allowed myself to think things like "well, he texted me twice this week, so that means he likes me, right?".  Not even.  So, considering I managed to spend an entire year "dating" a guy who constantly told me that we were "not dating" like it was a hilarious fact, here's what I've taken from that emotionally draining drama:

If they say they're not dating you, then they're not dating you.  It's pretty simple, but it was definitely one of the things I just couldn't get.  I mean, it's hilarious when you say you're not dating me, right?  There's no pressure; I can do whatever I want - it's awesome!  Who needs labels, anyway?  Two thoughts on this - (1) you DON'T need labels, because even if they don't ever officially say "we are dating," you'll know from their actions, which tell more than their words, whether you are or you aren't, and (2) there's a serious difference between not saying anything, and affirmatively saying "not dating."  In fact, when any guy "jokes" to the girl he's banging that he's "not dating" her, this should be followed by Mr. T as B.A. Baracus jumping out from behind a potted plant and shouting, "Sucka!"

If they're not asking you out on dates, then they're not dating you.  We've been thru this before.  A 1 am booty call is not a date.  A 1 pm "I've got time before I have to go back to the office - my place in half hour?" is not a date.  Dates involve novel concepts like food, advance planning, telephone calls and keeping your pants on.  Right.

If they're not inviting you to the "real" friend events, they're not dating you.  This one is tricky.  If they never, ever introduce you to their friends then obviously you're not dating them.  Dating (as opposed to being "into you") means that you want this person to be an actual part of your life, which includes your friends.  But, the gray area arises when you are only asked to the peripheral events - the occasional birthday party; or night out at a bar - but not the "real" events, where people do things like talk to each other and get to know each other (with or without tequila shots).  Case in point - I spent a year actively not being invited to things like roofdeck daytime parties; group dinners; weddings; birthday dinners, etc.  I was invited to any event: (1) which required shots in excess; (2) started after 10 pm, and (3) had high potential of a drunken return to his apartment.  I never had brunch with his friends EVER during an entire year of "not dating."  Learn from my mistakes - no eggs + hangovers + friends that live in the neighborhood = not dating.

If they don't want to meet your friends, family or anyone important to you, they're not dating you.  "Oh he's just busy."  "He's not ready."  "He had a tough week, so he's going to sit this one out."  Ever make any of these excuses?  I certainly have in the past.  It sucks having to make excuses for someone who has flaked on everything you've invited them too.  Is it REALLY that taxing to have 3 beers with my friends on a Friday night just to make the effort and show that maybe, just maybe, you care about what I do when I'm not with you?  Answer:  No.  But, if you're not dating me, you're not required to make this effort.  Oh and also, if they're not making this effort ever, then they're just not that into you.  No doubt about it.

One final thought....I'm usually pretty good at keeping in touch with my exes.  Probably to a fault, but as long as the relationship ended relatively amicably, I'm okay with letting a little time pass and then communicating again.  Sometimes this level of communication is polite conversation at a mutual friend's wedding, sometimes it's occasional emailing about topics of mutual interest; and in certain situations, it's meeting up for drinks or dinner from time to time.  However, this is NOT a license to assume that I am back at your beck and call.  Also, this is the classic situation where the ex likes to throw the hail mary, keep you on the hook in case the girl I'm currently dating doesn't work out off-hand comment - watch out for this.  If they tell you that they sort of were ready to tell you that they loved you six months ago, but they just failed to actually do so, RUN.  It's not sweet, it's not "OMG!  He soooo loves me and will break up with her and although our relationship was super crappy before it will be totally different and awesome this time!!".  No. RUN.