There was this one time I dated a guy in a band...

Right.  One time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in response to several conversations with my dad / slightly concerned friends / nosy coworkers about why I keep "dating the same guy over and over."  Now, I really don't feel that this is the case.  There may be a lot of *similarities* between the guys that I've dated in the last 10 years or so, but, come on, aren't I allowed to have a type?!  I mean, guys are allowed to exclusively date 5'8" blondes with boobs bigger than their IQ's, so why can't I date guys that are at least into / interested in something that's really important to me?

In opposition to my dating preferences, several arguments have been lodged, namely that the nature of the guy-in-band persona does not lend itself to the committed, stable relationship that I am programmed to ultimately desire.  On this point, I beg to differ.  Sure, there are total d-bags who have wives and kids at home, then go on tour, get wasted, bang groupies and think nothing of it, but let's face it, I'm not dating the chart-topping, MSG-performing types of guys here (nor would I want to...).  And it's not like I have a "you must be in a band" rule for me to date a guy; it's more of a "you must be into music, preferably music I like" rule, which translates (probably too often) into dating guys in bands.  Or who were in bands at some point.  Or who just really like rock shows.  Common interests are the root of all relationships, people! But, I promise, it's not a requirement.  Really.


In 2002 I met a guy in a bar in Hoboken (*cringe*), back when you could still smoke in bars and I believe I bummed a smoke off him and that was all it took.  He was older (swoon!), lived in Jersey City (kill me) and had a bunch of random roommates.  His band toured in the Jersey small-to-midsize club scene.  He was relatively cute, nice enough, and I was a stressed out second-year law student living with my parents.  As you can see, a match made in "good enough" heaven.  I didn't even like his band, but the fact that he found music important enough to spend his life doing it was enough for 22-yr old me, who was still clinging to my rock star ideals while preparing to sell out to the man as a career.  And also I needed a place to crash on the weekends, because I wanted to go out in the city and not have to trek it back to the parents' place in the 'burbs.  I was 22.  Deal.

This short lived romance fizzled out when I met my law school boyfriend, who (predictably) in addition to being a law student was also a singer-songwriter (and later had a REALLY bad band....really bad).  After about 2 months of hanging out, I had moved the bulk of my stuff from my parents' place to his 1-bedroom-loft+roommate apartment, and officially moved in by the summer.  (Recurring theme: living with parents leads to rash relationship decisions.  More on this later).  This was the longest and most-missed relationship of my life, until we graduated, started our big firm corporate jobs and he became a serious d-bag.  Incidentally, the breakup occurred around the time that he stopped playing music and started becoming super-interested in whether it was "too much" to buy his button-down shirts with his initials monogrammed on the cuffs.  Yeah.

Since then, I've floated around in several different types of relationships, namely those that were functional and those that were non-functional to the point of hysteria.  The last 3 guys I seriously dated were lawyer-types, not in bands and didn't really find that music / art / anything non-mainstream and non-socially accepted appealed to them at all.  I tried, I really really tried.  Just like I tried the lawyer thing, I tried to change myself into a person that cared about monogrammed cuffs and would be satisfied with the Dave Matthews Band being a top hit on a playlist.  I think I felt nauseous for the better part of 6 years as a result.  

So then, for the last year or so, I've decided that in addition to making a life change career-wise, I am going to make a "career" change dating-wise, and date guys I actually LIKE, and not guys that I feel are "appropriate" for me to date according to some antiquated system of my mother's expectations.  And I have. And I've had my heart handed to me on several occasions.

From what I've learned, the people that I am actually attracted to, and that I actually want to spend time with, are like me - dramatic, emotional, empathetic, often slightly off-kilter - but they are the people I look forward to seeing.  And yes, they are often in bands / into the music scene to a fault, but they are also the ones who put up with my 2 am text messages, because that's who I am, and that's what I do.  And the ones who understand when I break up with them (although we're "not dating"...hmmm) 4x in a 6 week period then show up at their place on a random weeknight because my self-inflicted paranoia makes me afraid to sleep in my apartment, but for some reason I'm ok at their place.  I've never met anyone - in all my years of non-functional dating - who has the ability to make me feel completely happy, calm and just like me as much as the guy that I'm "not dating" now, but, like all the rest, he's just "not ready" for any commitment.  And yes, haters, he's in a band.  But think of it this way, if he did commit, then what would happen to this hilarious blog?