Date, No Chaser

Where's your Girlfriend? Oh, you know, just "in the cloud"

2011-05-23T16:48:00.000-04:00

Seriously, WTF Internet? You've really outdone yourself this time. I online date. If I didn't, there would be no blog, because how would I possibly have the time, energy, or resources to meet the fantastic mix of characters that I stumble upon in these postings. But there's a limit to just how far I'll go in my online dating, dammit.

Apparently, there's something out there called CloudGirlfriend.com. I found out about it here, through a piece in the NY Times. It's what happens if you cross some sort of RPG / personal avatar online game with match.com (or OKCupid, if your avatar likes to get a little more racy). Basically, not only are you artificially dating (which, what IS online dating if not the artificial, grown up world of being forced to go to "mixers" from summer camp when you don't know anyone of the opposite sex and instead you sit there, judging each other on looks alone, until someone finally makes the first move across the dance floor?), but here you are making up a fake persona to do this artificial dating for you. You create your "profile" and then the computer matches you with other "profiles" and then you decide if you want to "date" the other fake person. So basically, lonely people can get some sort of personal validation through this exchange of emails, etc, and they can choose to stay within the "cloud" and keep themselves anonymous, or ultimately reveal their true identities to each other.

Therefore, what we have here is people that are socially inept spending even MORE time on the internet because now they don't even have to leave the house to "fake date" their cloud significant other, since NONE OF IT IS REAL. At least with the other "real person" dating sites, you are (supposedly) telling the truth and you do exist, so an eventuality of a functional "relationship" is that you meet in person. Or, you don't, and that's the end of it. But this business? This is just a really, really sad and drawn out video game, with lonely players convincing themselves that they are "dating" someone when (and I hate this f*cking expression) it's all just up there in "the cloud."

I mean, it's true that some of these bizzaro relationships *could* lead to real relationships, because, man, if you're a girl that's going to go for this kind of thing, then you're probably into the guy with the virtual 12-sided dice who is at the other end of the email (and hiding behind a picture of some hot dude from "The Hills" or something). Or, it could end in crazy obsessive stalker-esque behavior and endless bouts of litigation because THIS IS INSANE. What's the next pay-for feature of the site? Virtual webcam cloud girl? Fake cybersex chats where you're uploading videos of someone else? Look, I mean, I understand how people can play online video games, where you don't know who you're challenging but it's all in the name of entertainment (I'm obsessed with words with friends, it's true), but when I'm playing freaking Scrabble with someone, somewhere in the world, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this is going to lead to a happy + long term relationship. This whole concept kind of scares the crap out of me, because the delusional are just going to get more delusional, and preyed upon by those who get off on this kind of stuff. And I'm sure the CEO of CloudGirlfriend will make a killing off this.

I, however, call the rights to the screenplay where suddenly they realize that the CloudGirlfriend's IP address is coming from inside the house and then we have:

(1) (the comedy) where two fraternity brothers realize that they've been cloud-dating each other for months ("what, bro, so I pretended to be a cloud girl? whatever, dude, it doesn't matter online") or alternatively;

(2) (the drama) where two neighbors find that they have discovered they have so much in common through their cloud-dating persona that they date in real life and live happily ever after (cue cheesy theme music now).

Both plots, copyrighted, by me, now. And then maybe after I get my royalties from these brilliant plans, I can get myself a REAL virtual boyfriend.

It's like Online Dating Comedy Hour Over Here

2011-05-19T16:09:00.000-04:00

Okay. It's a simple concept. Back in the day, we didn't have glorious things like the internet to provide us with hours of entertainment, news, random information and - most importantly - a pool of eligible (hopefully) single members of the opposite sex waiting to meet us for the low low fee of something like $25 / month. We had to go to real places and meet real live people and (gasp!) *talk* to them in person in order to get that much-sought-after form of contact info - the phone number. Now, it's just a joke. It's like online shopping for dates, and you can do it in your pajamas on your couch, or in the office during a slow afternoon. For clarification, I'm talking legit online dating sites, not porn. Moving on...

It's a pretty easy concept to grasp that when you have exactly one opportunity to grab someone's attention and keep it enough that they stop on your profile, click the link and start to read your personal essay / bio / "about me" whatever you call it section, you really need to say something that will catch the person's attention immediately and keep it. Because, unlike the fabulous bar-dating scene, you can very easily just virtually walk away from someone you don't find interesting. You don't even think twice about snickering, clicking the "next" button and forgetting that the person ever existed. I mean, you could do it in bars too, that just makes you a jerk. But most of the guys I date tend to be jerks, so maybe this is a favorable technique. So then...right.

Moral of the convoluted story is that you've gotten me to click on your page, based solely on a picture, and you've got one opportunity to have me stay there, read on, and potentially email you. Or "wink" at you. Or "hot list" you. Or "favorite" you. Or...damn, I've been on too many dating sites. But, regardless, no matter the site, the sentiment is still the same. So, note to single guys - starting off your profile with "I AM TO LAZY TO WRITE A LOT ABOUT MY SELF. But you may contact me if would like to know more about me" (sic) is really *not* the best way to go about online dating.

Man, they ALL find me. Somehow, somewhere, they ALL find me. Sigh.

Making out on Street Corners, or, alternatively, How to Behave Like a Teenager When You're Over 30

2011-05-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

So in my endless quest to find a killer awesome boyfriend, I've been working on sticking to the Rules, which, just in case you forget, remind me to never, ever, EVER sleep with said dude-with-awesome-potential on the first date. This took a while to realize. Like, 15 years or so. Whatever, I got it, moving on...

So then you end up in the inevitable dilemma at the end of the night. Nine dates out of ten, I can't wait to get out of there, get home and do something (ANYTHING) besides be hanging out with the awkward dude who I can't keep a conversation going with despite breaking my other Rules and having like 5 glasses of wine on a Tuesday night. I'm planning exit strategies and dreaming of my secret chocolate stash, which will save this pointless-for-my-life-but-worth-it-for-this-blog evening from itself. There's no issue at the end of those lovely exchanges - I've left dates with an awkward hug, an even-more-awkward handshake, crossing the street the other way from my date because "oh, I had the light!" (that dude was a total jerk) or just walking away as the dude was unlocking his bike (yeah, I felt a little bad about that one).

Then there's that 10th date, where you actually like the dude. Or, at least, you're not totally disgusted by the dude and you'd certainly consider giving it a second date. (*note - I can't even remember the last time I wanted a second date....it was back in 2010 for sure). And you are generally also out too late on a school night. But you're not dying to be home just yet, and you end up in the awkward walk-to-the-subway situation where there's going to be some sort of a goodnight kiss, but dammit, trying to have a not-awkward situation outside the subway station while people are pushing around you is just way to much for me to handle. Or while a cab driver is impatiently waiting for you to get in his cab. Or when you're walking distance to home, but he's got to get back to Jersey and he may have already missed the last PATH train. So, right, I'm not going home with the dude (look at me - breaking the drinks rule, but KEEPING the pants on rule!), and therefore even at 30+ I end up making at with a dude on a street corner at midnight. Stop judging.

However, I'm in luck! Apparently this is totally fine in NYC, or at least MORE fine than in many other places in the USA. NYC ranks 5th on this survey ranking the Top 10 Cities Most (and Least) Comfortable with PDA. It's kind of interesting to see which cities fit where - according to this survey, people in Honolulu are very accepting of the classic street makeout, whereas Ft. Myers - Naples, Florida is the least accepting. Man, look at that bottom 10. What's UP with you Florida? I would think that one of the middle America red states would have all that issue with PDA (ummm, hello Iowa, being so okay with all of this? What?!), but not the state where I believe I actually saw people have sex on the beach, and it *wasn't* a novelty cocktail. I guess the Vegas thing makes sense (yes, what happens in Vegas generally, sometimes, ideally stays in Vegas) and I can group Reno in that category as well. I guess MAYBE Miami could have similar treatment, but I've been to clubs there - come on! But seriously Florida? Lame.

Oh, and also Pittsburgh ranking 2nd? I guess there's just nothing else to do there other than make out randomly on the street....and make steel? Yep, that's what she said.

Oh Match, you're earning your keep already....

2011-05-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

Brief match.com-related status update.

Days on website: 2
"Winks": too many to take seriously; I hate this feature
Decent seeming guys that emailed me: 2
Guys that could be dead ringer clones for my "ex" (aka the Guy That I'm Not Dating But I Bang on a Monthly Basis) that emailed me: 1
Guys that could be dead ringer clones for the GTINDBIBOAMB that I emailed back: 1 (yes, I'm a sucker, please start yelling at me now...actually, there's probably nothing to worry about, because he's going to flake anyway if history serves us right)
Guys that asked me to "come play" in the city and gave their cell number: 2

(*note: hmm....isn't this a serious dating site and not craigslist? jeez!)

Marriage proposals received: 1

Mr. Marriage Proposal also said that he would take my last name and make me smile with breakfast every morning. In response to that, (a) who has TIME to have breakfast with someone else every morning and (b) personally, I'll take my "making me smile" before breakfast...or after dinner...but "with breakfast?" Not so much. My food requires my full concentration.

The last date before I give it all up....

2011-05-09T16:15:00.000-04:00

....okay, no, not really. But there are at least 2 human beings out there who read the title and gasped, wondering just WHERE they would find the next dating scapegoat if I retired. So, no worries, we're still in business.

I've been insanely busy with work lately and haven't really been on the dating warpath (that, and perhaps I've gone through the entire universe of unemployed graphic designers in bands on OkCupid! and there's simply just no one else left to f*ck with...), however I did have a quite amusing experience a week or so ago, so I will recount.

I met Mr. PhD Program on OKC, and he seemed nice enough. I though he would be short-ish, skinny-ish and probably funny, but possibly more on the passive side. He showed up on our date with a GIANT backpack which made him look shorter and skinner than I even anticipated. Okay, I mean, he's studying for a Ph. D. in something I couldn't understand, so I guess he needs to lug around a ton of books. I *may* have considered leaving some of it at home until the second date, but whatever, first impressions are first impressions, and my impression was that this kid's got serious baggage. I was clearly correct.

He began the conversation by apologizing for being a few minutes late, because "I just came from therapy and it's all the way on the east side, so it takes a while to get to the subway." Ouch. Therapy mention not 5 minutes in to the date. Strike one, but can recover with solid rest-of-the-date performance. I've already committed myself to following my 2 drink minimum rule and sticking this one out for the full go round. Conversation limps along, but I have the feeling that I can pick him up and toss him up in the air - that's how skinny he is. It's a definite "not sexy" characteristic - if I CAN pick you up literally, I'm not going to TRY to pick you up figuratively. Right then. We move on to the second drink, and at this point I'm starting to think that maybe he's kind of interesting. Then he quotes his therapist. Twice. And then tells me he's a middle child who lives with his little brother, but his little brother wants to move out and he doesn't understand why. And then he told me that the night before he went to dance class - modern dance. I think that while I am attracted to a certain type, there's also a certain type of guy that's attracted to me - namely, neurotic, insecure and possibly in the closet. Apparently my "email me if you have mommy issues" vibe is still going strong.

And with that, I've officially signed up for match.com. I mean, how much worse can it get if I'm PAYING for it?! (Yes, that's what she said).

3 Months Salary? Try 3 Hours.

2011-04-11T17:24:00.000-04:00

***This is going to sound petty. Trust me, it's not - I just like to play with numbers when it comes down to it.***

There's the old adage that a man has to spend 2-3 months salary on an engagement ring in order for it to cost "enough" to signify his commitment, or some other such nonsense. Since I'm a bazillion years away from (1) wanting an engagement ring; (2) going on a second date with any other functional human being and/or (3) meeting someone with an actual SALARY so that they can then allocate 2-3 months of it to my ring finger (simple math: 3 months worth of $0 per month is sadly still $0), I'm proposing a new twist - the 3 hour rule.

I've gone on enough dates to realize that there are some guys who are gentlemen and will simply pick up the check. These are the guys that I will offer to split the bill, find that offer rejected, and we move on with the evening without any sort of drama. Then there are the ones that are nice enough, but make the unfortunate mistake of saying something along the lines of "So, how does this work? I've asked my coworkers/friends/sister what is the etiquette these days about splitting the check, and I haven't gotten a straight answer...." which, in my world, invariably leads to splitting the check. And then lastly are the ones who stare at you blankly when the bill arrives and start adding up their drinks + food and putting down precisely the amount they owe. This behavior is aggravating even if you're just having dinner with a friend (why CAN'T you just split it even, if it's not a huge disparity in ordering?!) - don't get me started on cheapskate dates. So that's where the 3 hour rule kicks in - my new proposal is that a first date should require the guy to spend the equivalent of three hours of his salary which, in all honesty, makes sense because he is getting to enjoy the pleasure of my company for 3-ish hours of his time.

How does this work in practice? Okay, so let's start with the top of the salary world for me - the hedge fund guys, the lawyers at big firms, etc (this group is also known as the "guys I never functionally date but do occasionally screw around with" category). You've got even a baby lawyer (read: 25 yrs old, just out of law school) earing around $165,000 pre-bonus at the major firms - this breaks down to a 3-hour total of $135. Honestly, he's getting off cheap. This requires something like some pre-dinner drinks at some swanky place ($20 - 35 or so), plus a decent dinner complete with a mid-range bottle of wine ($60 - 75 per person), plus a couple drinks after dinner if the night is still going well ($20 - 35 per person), which all rounds you out to a ballpark of $135 which he will spend on me for the evening. And that's drinking with a liberal hand there - most times I couldn't even get up to this amount, unless we're eating somewhere that's going to run you $100 a head or so just to sit and eat. But they're hedge fund guys - that's how they do. Plus they're probably going to expense it as "client development" anyway.

Dropping down to a more normal college-educated / employed / relatively stable job type, who earns a good salary but lives within their means, we get the guys who fall in the $50,000 - 75,000 salary range. When you boil it down to the 3 hour mark, you're looking at him spending $50 - 70 for the evening. This is more often where my dates end up - meeting first at a happy hour (approx. $15 pp with tip) followed by some split the check action at a mid-range dinner place (something like $30 pp) and then maybe a drink or two after dinner (another $15 or so). This calls out for the split of the check, because if not he's going WAY over the 3 hour budget to pay for my meal as well, if he wants to be the gentleman and buy the pre / post dinner drinks. And this makes actual sense to me - he's making a sort of gentlemanly effort, but in all honesty, I'm not so stuck in the 1950s that I need him to bankroll all my entertainment for the evening in order to think that he's worth my time.

And then we get the guys I actually date. Assuming that at some point they do have a job, we're talking MAYBE an average $25,000 - 40,000 per year, which is a pain in the ass for them if you're trying to date in New York. This gets you somewhere in the ballpark of $27 for the evening, with some liberal per hour calculations on my part. Honestly, that's not so bad. You grab some $3 beers (with tip, $8 total) you grab dinner at somewhere interesting but not pricey ($15 - 20) and maybe you've got a few dollars left over for a post-dinner drink. Or you just drink $27 worth of $3 happy hour beers and end up naked in Bushwick at 4 am looking for your other shoe and wondering how you're going to make it to work the next day. Same difference.

Apparently, it's a legal epidemic.

2011-03-23T16:13:00.000-04:00

I've gotten on my virtual soapbox numerous times about the dangers of dating in the workplace, and for once in my life, I'm finally taking my own advice. Granted, this could be because there are exactly *zero* eligible men in my small company (or in the entire shared office space in general, actually), but I prefer to feel morally superior and that I've finally gotten my sh*t together instead. All of you, quiet down there.

Now, part of the day to day of recruiting lawyers involves randomly cold calling junior attorneys and pitching them my standard litany of open positions with the hopes that one of them will grasp this glowing lifeline, throw me a CV and earn me some cash in the long run. Today, like so many days before it, I struck out many times until I spoke to a personable young man who happens to be an associate at a firm (Firm Y) from where I just recently snagged a candidate and placed her in a new firm. At his request, I sent personable young man (PYM) an email of available openings. Included in that email was Firm X, where I just placed PYM's former coworker, as Firm X has a new opening.

In describing Firm X, I included a note to PYM stating "(I actually just placed one of your former Firm Y colleagues over at Firm X, and there is another opening there as well.)" I did not mention this young lady's name or any other identifying details, as (1) I didn't know if she told anyone where she was going and (2) who knows, she could be a nutcase that I wouldn't want my name associated with anyway.

PYM sends back a lovely email, discussing the merits of each spot I mentioned, asking good questions, etc etc until he gets to Firm X. Then he writes: "Unfortunately, this would be a bad idea. I do know the former colleague of mine you're referring to, and please don't tell her I'm looking around or communicating with you. (Not that I expect that you would.)."

Oh poor PYM. I would bet a week's worth of cocktails that at some point, PYM and the young lady in question were banging. Or smooshing. Or whatever the heck these crazy kids are calling it these days. Served!

Open House Dating

2011-03-07T16:26:00.000-05:00

This is a developing story.

Part One: The First Meeting.

A friend of a friend is moving out of his place and the broker has been holding open houses and showing it to tons of people throughout the last month or so. The last person who comes through happens to be an attractive woman who, during subsequent conversation, it is determined needs this apartment because she is in the process of getting a divorce. As in, she is so "in the process" that she chats with this guy about the fact that she's concerned about how she will get her belongings out of her ex-home where her almost-ex-husband still lives, because she doesn't want to go back there. Now, if she's chatting with a random guy about details of her life this personal either (1) she's a nut case and/or (2) they had been engaged in a good enough conversation that he would have been successful just asking her out at this point. But that, my friends, is way too easy for our fearless hero.

Rather than just asking if she'd like to grab a drink sometime, our guy instead blurts out, "Well, my friend and I do moves - we can move your stuff out for you." And, it seems, she was into the idea. So, let's reassess - rather than having a potential date, instead we now have our guy moving stuff for a woman he would like to slam out of her ex-husband's house and into his ex-apartment (she did end up taking the place). Oh and also? He doesn't actually do moves. Has never done moves. Neither does his "friend." He is currently between jobs, as is a friend of his, and they do sometimes have "odd jobs" here and there, but they're not movers. So now in order to get a date with this chick, he's suddenly got to convince his friend that he wants to be a part time mover, rent a van, etc etc. all for like $50 and a shot at glory. And she's clearly in a place to date if she's not even going back to her almost-ex-husband's house to claim her stuff. So, current status is that they are coordinating the move, which should happen shortly. No date or slam session actually scheduled. Right.

I mean, if this works out, it is a completely great and random NYC dating story...but for some reason, I think my blog will have more success than this relationship. However, I'm curious to see what happens. Updates to follow...

Elevator Hijinx

2011-03-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

It's mornings like these that I (1) am ridiculously glad I left the traditional corporate world and (2) secretly love the fact that my office is housed in a building with several private equity and other hedge fund-related companies. Why? Because the comments out of these guys in the elevator make my f*cking morning.

When I got off the subway, I heard behind me the typical too loud, overly-self-important conversation held at a much-too-awake volume for 9 am, when most normal people are just starting to trickle in to work. Translation: traders. They're at work way before the normal people, and therefore they are at 11 am coffee break level when I'm just trying to figure out whether I left my lunch still sitting on the kitchen counter. I couldn't catch all of it, but it someone involved Trader #1 chiding Trader #2 for an "awkward" coffee-getting encounter, which apparently involved a "nice piece" that Trader #1 had picked up in a bar and subsequently slammed, who happened to be college friends with Trader #2. Apparently, Trader #2 had not realized that Trader #1 had slammed that piece, and therefore, upon running into what I can only imagine was a perfect specimen of the female sex in the coffee shop, Trader #2 made the grievous mistake of attempting to introduce her to his coworker, Trader #1, and awkwardness ensued. Oh, quelle horreur!

These lovely gentlemen followed me into the elevator of my office building, and entertained me for the entire ride:

Trader #1: Are you going out tonight?

Trader #2: Yeah, right after work - cocktail thing.

Trader #3 (where'd he come from?!): Oh are you going to ___________ party at ___________?

Trader #2: No, I'm going to some thing for _________ Conservatory.

Trader #3: Where's that?

Trader #2: It's in Nantucket. I'm on the board. (this is where I tried very hard to stop snickering. Nantucket. I love me some stereotypes.)

Trader #1 (looking around at elevator full of women): I've been to those kind of things before. Very nice....scenery.

Trader #2: Yeah, I'm not really that into the whole Conservatory mission thing - I'm just there for the...scenery.

Trader #3: Lotta talent up in Nantucket. Lotta talent.

Mercifully, it was my floor. Trader #3 was standing in my way, and when I politely said "excuse me" as I passed, he responded with "No problem, sweetie, you have a GREAT day there!"

Man, objectification of women, Connecticut - trader stereotypes AND being called "sweetie" all before 9:15 am? A banner Friday!

Internet Frustration, and F*ck Buddies

2011-03-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

So, I'm agitated about this enough that I'm actually going to blog about it. Last year, my SOAFBNRFB provided the perfect alternative to my busy schedule - he was available, late at night or mid-afternoon, he often bought me dinner and in fact just *happened* to take me to Spain last May. However, we all move on in life and SOAFBNRFB and I have drifted apart from our bi-monthly late night text invitations until eventually it's been several months since we've seen each other. Therefore, I've decided it's time for a new FB - preferably one who has more TIME for me, since my fabulous last one suddenly has a super busy job which impinges on my ability to have him meet me at random hours!

Therefore, in my endless quest for eternal FB domination, I decide to broach the subject with a friend of mine over instant messenger this afternoon (aka the medium most designed to cause frustration when one party is working and the other wants ALL their attention). And this is what happens:

Me: so.
Me: dammit, where are you?!
Guy Friend: i'm here! anyway, what's up
Me: shhhh
Me: i'm talking!
Me: so i need to replace my perfect f*ck buddy from last year
Me: because he's got a busy job now
Guy Friend: i thought he was anything but?
Guy Friend: or am i thinking of someone else
Me: and i have too many tattoos for a corporate guy :)
Me: prob someone else
Me: this is the guy who took me to spain in may
Me: i'm debating changing my online dating profile so that i just attract guys that want to bang noncommittally

-- 12 minutes pass --

Me: does that make me a hooker?
Me: i mean, they do have to buy dinner first :)

--7 minutes pass--

Me: REALLY? NOW IS WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO WORK?

That's right blog readers, share my pain. Also, send me your latest suggestions for my next SOAFBNRFB, because my relationship-avoidance meter has hit the highest level, and dammit, last year's situation would be *ideal* right now. Grr.

Walk of Shame - When it's Not Me, it's Awesome.

2011-02-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

The walk of shame is not a novel concept to anyone who reads this blog. It's never pretty, it's never fun and it's just *that* much worse when you're doing it on a weekday morning. I spent most of 2009 getting up at 7 am to take a cab from the West Village to my apartment in Brooklyn so that (on no more than 4 hours of sleep....ugh) I could change out of yesterday's work clothes, shower, put on some new version of my almost-appropriate-for-business-casual-workplace uniform and make it in to the office on time. This cost me on average $30 per week in cab fares, but at that point (1) I had a job that paid me in money and not in good vibes and (2) I avoided the true, "heading to work in yesterday's clothes and hoping there's a clean shirt in the bottom drawer of my desk" walk of shame. The "cab of shame" was no big deal - I got to catch up on emails and last night's facebook action during the 15-minute ride. The true head-to-work walk of shame, though - that really sucks. At my current job, where putting on something more exciting than yoga clothes is a real effort, it's not earth-shatteringly terrible, but man, trying to get yourself presentable to go to court from the one tank top and the suit that hasn't fit in 3 years that you have hanging on the back of your office door...at least I had plenty of shoe options.

This morning, I was running a good 15 minutes late for work, which provided me with the opportunity to catch this brilliant interaction outside my subway stop. The scene: a girl obviously doing the much-despised head-to-work walk of shame - dress pants, dress coat, hair a mess, big work bag, giant coffee, etc., and a guy (who clearly hosted) in that "post-fraternity, I work for a hedge fund but haven't gotten ready for work yet" uniform - some sort of Adidas track pants, a hooded sweatshirt w Greek letters on the front, Nike flip flops w socks (ugh) and really, really expensive sunglasses. They were having some sort of conversation outside the coffee cart near the subway. As I approached, I could see that she was super pissed. Like, not just tired, hungover and grossed out about wearing yesterday's clothes, but angry. Captain hedge fund didn't seem to mind, and, in fact, appeared pretty proud of himself. As they walked off in opposite directions and he walked right by me, he turned around, called out her name and (while they were a good 20 - 30 feet apart in a crowded area) yelled "thanks for coming over last night." Oh man. I almost laughed in his face. He rounds the corner, she rolls her eyes and throws out her coffee in disgust, walking off in the opposite direction. A guy standing by the subway entrance & I made eye contact and both of us immediately cracked up. Captain hedge fund, you take this round - congrats on winning today's d-bag award!

(On the) Fence

2011-02-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Jane Austen. Often, I find reading her work to be akin to climbing uphill on a beautiful sunny day - it's nice there, you enjoy it at first, but you are guaranteed to be sweaty, tired and generally displeased at the time you reach the top. However, Emma is f*cking fantastic. Even aside from the classic mid-90's adaptation in "Clueless" (where, I must say, it does strain credibility to have the aptly-named Cher Horowitz falling in love with her not-related-by-blood-but-still-creepy-nonetheless-non-brother Josh), there's something really amazing about the way Emma has the ability to manipulate others while still appearing to have everyone else's best interests at heart. But I'm not writing book reviews. I came across a quote the other day in Emma which I could not agree with more. (Brief background context - Emma is counseling Harriet re: a marriage proposal from what Emma deems an unsuitable suitor. For those of you who are only familiar with the Alicia Silverstone version, this is when she tells Tai not to date the cute skater dude w the long hair.)

"I lay it down as a general rule, Harriet, that if a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to 'Yes,' she ought to say 'No' directly. It is not a state to be safely entered into with doubtful feelings, with half a heart."

I've been thinking about this sentiment often enough lately in my own dating life. Granted, this is directed a marriage, where, I think, if you've ever had any doubts as to whether you should or should not marry a person, here's a newsflash: marrying them will not change anything. If you think that the "stability" will make things better, or they will become less crazy / clingy / aggravating / dependent when you've made it official, there's just no way. It drives me crazy these days when people are so focused on eventual marriage that they lose sight of the fact that perhaps, considering it *is* 2011, you could just be with someone and enjoy their company without having to obtain a financial and genetic profile in order do ascertain whether such person is "qualified" to be the future father of your children.

It's no longer such a horrific taboo to be in your 30's, female, single and yet undecided about whether marriage is in the cards as it was 20, 30, 40 years ago. And with this I mean "in the cards " as far as whether you (1) could potentially have the actual opportunity for someone to want to marry you (read: not a horrible troll with poor manners and a hygiene problem) or (2) have made up your mind whether or not you even want the option (read: a female who realizes that there's more to life that just being a wife. And that rhymes. Bam.).

Now, don't get me wrong - I know plenty of couples that are what I consider "well-matched marrieds" - they work well together, they compliment each other and each one is better for (and not in spite of...) the fact that they are together. That, I have no qualms about. It's the "I'm over 30 and I need a husband and this guy has all his fingers and toes so he's good enough" ladies that I find to be more offensive. You know exactly what I mean, and you've seen these pairs around - it's the couples that beg the question, how did HE land HER? (and yes, this may be one-sided-ly sexist, but I can't speak to what guys think about this issue....or really anything. Ever.) You know that deep down, although one party may believe otherwise, at some point the woman said to herself, now is the time to get married, and this is the person who I am dating and I can check off these boxes in my list of what's important and therefore they are husband potential. You realize also that at some other, earlier point in her life, had she met this man, the woman likely would have hesitated before saying 'Yes' to such a proposal, but yet, by this point in her life, she will fail to heed Ms. Emma's advice and instead ignore the hesitation in favor of what she *should* be doing with her life.

Granted, I'm biased, jaded, cynical or whatever else you want to call me, but I'm much happier being single than I have been dating any of the jerks I've dated in the last 10 years. And it is VERY refreshing to take this from a "how many guys can I date in a week" project to a "how many jerks can I weed out without falling for them" project. You can tell me that I just "haven't met the right one yet," but then I may punch you in the face or alternatively throw up on my shoes. So, the long and short of it is that now, even if Mr. Super Awesome Absolutely Perfect came into my life and swept me off my feet and proposed, I would hesitate before saying 'Yes,' absolutely and 100 percent. And therefore, I would have to say 'No.' Which means that I'm free from the obligation to date jerks just to catch me a husband before I get old and have to be shipped off to some Jewish equivalent of a nunnery.

Single Women in NYC - Read This!

2011-02-09T11:15:00.000-05:00

I read this article in the Village Voice and thought it was fabulous. Then I realized it just sounded a lot like what goes on in my head. So therefore, I am fabulous.

Enjoy!

What's Your (Fake) Number?!

2011-02-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

I feel like this problem is a relatively new phenomenon - and by "new" I mean "something that didn't happen to me before I turned 25. This whole meet a guy somewhere and then having him ask for your number dilemma. Now, THAT part has obviously been around since Alexander Graham Bell got it together and turned us into a connected society, what I'm talking about is the post-2000 or so twist on all of this: it's impossible to lie.

Case in point. I'm standing outside a show on the LES at 1:00 am, freezing my ass off, when an incredibly drunk dude with an impressively obnoxious Boston accent decides to chat with me. He's cute and definitely my type (you know, possibly homeless w tattoos from neck to knuckles), so I humor him for a bit. After 10 minutes of this, I realize the show I want to go to is going to be canceled, and I'm ready to take off and defrost at home (he was cute but not THAT cute - it was 6 degrees out). He makes a valiant effort to get me to go with him to his friend's place where he is "crashing on the way from Boston to New Orleans," but when this fails, he asks the age old query: Can I get your number so we can meet up while I'm in town?

Now, some ladies would choose to decline to give out their number. I've done this in necessary situations, and used the "I have a boyfriend / girlfriend / communicable disease / no phone" excuse, however other times (and ladies, you know what i'm talking about) it's just easier to give out a moderately fake number and move on, rather than debating why you WON'T give them your number. But this is where the cell phone universe has ruined us. Option 1, he asks for the digits, you say them out loud and he types them into his cell phone. Add new contact, save, you're in business, even if you've given out a fake number. Option 2, he hands you the phone to type your own number in. Same deal, new contact, done. The problem is that invariably these days the next step is for him to call you so that you will have his number in your phone. That's where my fake number theory falls apart. I've tried many excuses to avoid answering that call - "oh, the phone is in my purse", "the battery died", etc, but when they call you and someone else picks up, that's when you've got issues.

So, back to reality. Drunk Boston dude is apparently sober enough to see thru my ruse, and manages to get my number inputted a second time (this time the actual number). This was partially a fail by me, because as we were talking, I had my phone out, in my hand, and was sending text messages so any battery- or purse-related excuses were out the window. After giving him my number, he then proceeded to text me for the rest of the evening (mind you, this little exchange started after 1:00 am) every 20 - 30 minutes to see if I wanted to join him at his next location. I went home and turned off the phone, so it wasn't exactly a big hardship, but this one was savvy enough to stop the texting the next morning when he woke up sober. It's not always the case, however. So really, there's no good point to this blog entry or solution to this problem, unless we go back to 1995 and the old school "leave your message at the beep" answering machine culture. Or unless I find a way to convince random drunk dudes that I only communicate via carrier pigeon.

Men WANT to get married; Women less so

2011-02-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Warning. This may piss some of you off. If it does, just don't read it. I'm not looking to start a dramatic discussion.

Time Magazine highlighted a new study published by researchers from Rutgers & Binghamton, finding that, despite all societal inclinations to the contrary, men apparently want to get married more so than similarly-situated women. Some major take aways from the article:

Across every age group, a higher percentage of men than women want to have children;
Women are "fussier" about who they will choose as a potential partner (measured by preferences as far as race and religion of potential mates);
Women value their independence more so than men do.

I find none of this surprising. Somehow, men have been instilled with that "I must carry on my genetics" instinct that causes them to have children, or at least believe that they want to have children, even though they don't really think through the practicalities of the situation. Let's face it, as half of all marriages end in divorce, and a majority of custody decisions grant primary custody to the mother (well, unless you live in my family, but we're *special*...), a man's desire to have children is not as...life-changing-ly permanent as a woman's. (Yes, you can start the hate mail now). My point is that men don't have to think this through as much as women do. Women have to physically give birth, which has the attendant health risks, time off from work, physical appearance alteration and generally feeling like crap for 9 months (AND not drinking). Then, let's say that several years down the line, the parental union goes south. I'd (unscientifically) say about 75% of the time, the father can walk away, start a new life, and while many men remain devoted fathers and take care of their children and stay a part of their lives, many also just take the opportunity to bail. For the large part, single-parent homes are mother-child, and a woman is now the sole provider for a child. So, when you start thinking about what could happen down the line, it's not a great shock to me that women are less likely to want to have children than men at any age.

As far as female partner-choosing "fussiness":

More men (80%) than women (71%) don't care about the race of a love interest, and many more men (83%) than women (62%) are flexible on their date's religious beliefs.

It's interesting to me to see how far the disparity falls for religion over race. In many religions, the religion of the child is determined by the religion of the mother, so if child-bearing was a primary concern of marriage-able women, then I would wonder why this figure is so low. However, as noted above, women are less likely to want to have children, which lowers that factor of this decision in the religious context. I think it would be more interesting to see if you have a higher percentage of women who are flexible about religious beliefs if the women themselves were religious versus whether the women were not religious, and were instead intimidated or turned off by the thought of an over-zealous mate.

The independence factor shocks me not at all. Being a single woman solely responsible for my own support and living in a major and expensive city, you have to be independent and you have to be able to handle things on your own, without male support (from finances to changing light bulbs) if you're going to make it. The study finds that:

...women are likelier to want to have their own bank accounts, their own interests, their own personal space and solo vacations, even if they're in a committed relationship. They also care more about nights out with buddies.

In short, women realize that they NEED to be independent in a relationship, because (and yes, I'm apparently the eternal pessimist today), if the relationship ends chances are women are getting the short end of the stick. If you've given up your career, you've popped out some kids, and now you're suddenly faced with solo life again, it's going to be a huge shock. In contrast, if you've lived your relationship-life while maintaining at least some autonomy, you're going to be able to re-acclimate to the "single" life a whole lot smoother.

Men, on the other hand, while they like their man-time and whatnot, tend to settle into relationships more wholeheartedly than women. Yes, granted, this is from my limited observational skills, but I feel like men, once they've been "caught" and are ready to commit, have decided that now is relationship-time, and move on from single-dude time. It could be because single-dude time is incompatible with relationship-time (passing out drunk with a pint of ice cream on the couch at 4 am does not bode well for the long-term future) , whereas single-girl time (dinners, spa days, crafts fairs, late nights where you are very familiar with how to get yourself home safely) tends to mesh more so.

So that's about it. I'll step off my soapbox and go back to work now.

(Almost) Long Distance is the Right Distance?!

2011-01-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, and I'm thinking that the *ideal* date-able guy who would fit in my life right now is the out-of-town-but-not-TOO-far-away type. I'm not looking to start some sort of serious, meaningful thing in NYC because I have waaaaaaay too much of my own stuff to work out before I get into that, but at the same time, the whole late-night-booty-call series of relationships I've had lately is getting aggravating and old. I've been talking to a friend of mine who was set up with a friend's brother, and she seems to be getting along well with him, but with the catch that she lives in NYC and he lives in Philly. It's not an insurmountable obstacle and, in my opinion, I think it's fantastic. Here's why:

1. I like my life. I like my routines, like getting up to go to the gym before work, sometimes randomly going to bed at 9 pm and seeing different friends every night of the week. Scheduling dates quite often gets in the way of MY life. However, if you are too "difficult" to schedule with, then they disappear. So, out of town guy is only pretty much feasible to see on the weekends. Which means I get my weeks free to do what I want. Bonus.

2. You only see each other 1-2 days a week. There is no possible way you can fast-track something like that, which is brilliant. Either the guys I meet these days are completely non-committal, or they're of the scary, marry me on our 3rd date variety. The first type will vanish due to the distance, and the second group will be forced out of necessity to wait until at least the 6th date to start proposing. Bonus, again.

3. When you see each other, you HAVE to make the most of it. You're traveling an hour or so each way with the express intent of hanging out. It's kind of pointless if you're not going to actually pay attention to the other person and make an effort (as opposed to many dates I've had here in the city where you sort of wonder if they're actually paying attention to what you're saying, or if they're just killing time and surreptitiously texting their friends while you're in the bathroom). This eliminates the "I guess I'll go and pull the 'something bad happened - I have to go' card if he sucks" factor of dating. You're only going to travel if you really want to see the other person. It eliminates that uncertainty.

4. Note the important credo to all of this that this person is the out-of-town-but-not-TOO-far-away type. This means that in the event that (1) you have a weeknight function that you want to bring them to; (2) you spontaneously have a day off or (3) there's a cockroach the side of your fist in the bathroom, it's not a physical impossibility for them to join you, hang out, or take care of the nasty bug (okay, maybe that last one was a stretch...). And finally...

5. It's 2011. We have cell phones. We have Skype. Google Chat. Facebook. Twitter. Email. Whatever other form of technology I haven't mentioned (including Google Stalker...I mean Google Latitude...). It's not like when we were kids and the 30 minute phone call would cost you a ridiculous amount of money and also require you to be chained to your home until the phone rang. My point is that, while for some people it's not the ideal, it CAN work relatively well in this day and age. And whether it's by choice or by circumstance, all of this can make it make sense.

So that's my thoughts on this one. And apparently I have to start online dating...in other cities. Or just relocate my current dates to a different zip code?!

Win! (well, sorta)

2011-01-14T11:01:00.000-05:00

So, I may have had one of the best first dates of my life last night. He's cute, funny, into the same random music I like and (of course) plays in a band. And is a freelance journalist (hey, that's a change from freelance graphic designer, right?! A video game journalist, but...yeah, I know, I'll stop now).

You know when you have those first dates where you start to think, hey, this might be possible? Yeah, this was one of those. And yes, you see their flaws as well, but you start to say things like, "I can deal with the fact that he does X because he's generally super awesome." And then you start talking about hanging out in the future. And he openly tells you that he's completely into you. And all in all, it's pretty awesome.

And then you realize this is my life...and that this super awesome guy lives halfway around the world. Dubai. Just kill me.

even funerals can't stop people from trying to set me up...

2011-01-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

I really, really didn't think I'd find blog fodder at a funeral. I mean, come ON. Despite the solemnity of the occasion, the ridiculously long NJ to Queens to NJ limo rides did provide us all a chance to catch up, including everyone's favorite topic - am I dating anyone, and if not, don't I want to meet so-and-so's nice son/nephew/former roommate, etc?!

At some point during the ride, the conversation went something along the lines of this:

Aunt: Why don't you look on JDate?

Me: I tried. I hate JDate. It sucks out my soul. I think I'm done with online dating.

Aunt: Well maybe you're looking in the wrong place then. If you're looking in a pool of scum, you're going to find scum. (* I wish I remembered the exact phrasing of this, but it was hilarious).

Uncle: (some equally hilarious comment about dating punk rockers with facial piercings)

Aunt, to her son, my older cousin: What about introducing her to X?

Cousin: I don't think that's such a good idea.

Aunt: Why not? We introduced X to **** and she really liked him, but I guess that just didn't work out. He's such a nice guy; why don't you think that's a good idea?

Cousin: Because I don't think X likes women.

Aunt: But maybe he just hasn't met the right one yet. We should introduce them.

So, just to recap, we've reached the point where I am being pimped out at funerals on the drive to the cemetery to men who are 10 years older than me and potentially gay.

And yes, we all had a good laugh over this one. I think I'll give it a few more years before I go down the Liza Minnelli route. Happy Friday!

2010, You Can Suck it.

2011-01-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

Oh 2010. You didn’t suck as badly as 2009, but I was still less-than-thrilled with what you had to offer. We had some structure introduced into the world of dating, which made me stress less and sort of enjoy the process more, at least at the onset. When I actually used “The Rules” and their infamous cousin, the “Technology Edition Rules” as dictated, things went more-or-less smoothly (or, at least, I saw the flashing “D-BAG! ALERT” sign a lot quicker than I have in the past). I felt like I had some control over the whole dating process, rather than drifting along in a tide of unreturned text messages and overly boring dates without a paddle. I started off with my mind in the right place, realizing that when they don’t do the important things – hang out with your friends, meet your family, try to actually see you on a regular basis – then they’re just not that into you, but somewhere around the summer I forgot all of this.

This year, I confirmed yet another instance of my as-yet-disproved theory that I continue to be the last girl a guy dates before he meets the woman he marries (6 confirmed instances, and 2-3 more potential as well). I explored the importance of having a f*ck buddy, particularly the SOAFBNRFB, who does fabulous things like take you to Spain. Hmmm, speaking of, I owe him a phone call. It’s about that time.

I dated scary work-related people (who later turned out to be completely nuts….) and reconnected with people from my past who turned out not to be gay, but did have girlfriends. I took a month off of blogging in July, which was just enough time for me to forget all of my Rules and start something up with one in a long line of unemployed designers in bands with ex-girlfriend issues (yes, clearly, I have a type and it SUCKS). I instituted a “sex ban” for six weeks (oh wait, maybe it was 12 weeks…and I thought it was going to be six? I can’t add) this summer, which had its ups and downs, benefits and detractions, but ultimately saved a potential friendship (or so I think). I immediately broke said “ban” on my birthday (the end date) with the guy who continues to cause me grief in a way that my 2009 “boyfriend” did as well. I think I keep coming back to this guy partially because I really do like him and partially because I’m scared to death of giving up the last one who is actually nice to me and having to go back to the world of online dating (especially JDate. I think I’ve confirmed that I’d rather choose celibacy over JDate. Yikes.) I got on my soapbox and justified why it was okay for me to keep dating guys in bands. I was doing very well at moving on, giving up on useless commitment-phobic guys and then I got bed bugs. Pretty much every shitty thing I complained about in 2010 can be tied to bed bugs in some way. Effing bed bugs. This city is disgusting and this pestilence has caused extreme havoc to my sanity, social life and sleep. Oh right, sorry, back on track.

So basically, I am proud of how I dealt with the first half of 2010, and feeling pretty shitty about the last six months. At the beginning of November, I promised myself that I would give up on the Guy I'm Not Dating But Spend An Awful Lot of Time With. I played my “don’t call him, wait for him to call you” games and deleted him from every acceptable form of social media. Two months ago, I said:

So, I'm holding myself accountable, and it's about time to cut ties with this one. I'm bummed about it, but no matter how many times I said that things were fine, and I was happy with the way things were going in a causal fashion, and that I was still totally happy dating other people and this wasn't holding me back, I'm totally full of crap. And I'm not "waiting until he's ready to date me" again, because, clearly, that has worked out SO well for me in the past. Ugh. I guess this means I have to actually have a big adult talk with him, which is one of my top 3 least favorite things in the world, right up there with practicing law and bedbugs.

I actually HAD this “big adult talk” with him (okay, it was over instant messenger, yes, I suck sometimes) and during this conversation he TOLD me that he’s been thinking about it too and just has to focus on work and can’t commit. I’m an idiot. And yes, I’ll give you one guess where I ended up at 5 am on New Year’s Day. And you know what? It was awesome. I was really happy I was there.

So where does that leave me? Have I spent a year in fruitless pursuit of dating nirvana, which basically tossed me right back to where I was at the end of 2009? Maybe. But at the same time, at least I know what I’m doing now. I truly don’t believe that the Guy I'm Not Dating But Spend An Awful Lot of Time With is going to suddenly wake up and become an amazing boyfriend, whereas at the end of 2009 I still wasn’t convinced that 2009 “boyfriend” was going to be useless forever. In fact, we don’t even spend an awful lot of time together anymore. So basically, I need to just get back out there and meet someone else. I am completely not excited about this prospect. However, the subway system has fortunately made it easier for me to make this decision. Starting Monday, the train no longer runs by Guy I'm Not Dating But Spend An Awful Lot of Time With’s house (at least in one direction). So, decision unintentionally made for me, because this girl doesn’t spend money on car services just to hang out with a dude that can’t get his shit together.

Happy New Year everyone!

Punk Rock Jesus is BACK!

2011-01-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

At some point last summer, I met a guy we called Punk Rock Jesus. He pretty much scared the crap out of me. We met online and had one pretty good date, but this dude was INTENSE. On our one date, which was either the end of July or beginning of August, I couldn't keep his damn hands off me, to the point where I was like, what IS your deal, slow things down, buddy! This was followed by a week or so of him calling, texting, instant messaging incessantly AND he worked 2 jobs and volunteered for 3 different organization and maintained 2 bi-weekly updated blogs. After we set up date #2, he emailed me a very nice email saying that things had gotten more serious with someone else that he started dating before we went on date #1, and that he didn't feel it would be right for us to go out again. Kudos to you, PRJ, for your honesty and for not being a dick to the other girl. However, if it took all of 3 days for things to get "more serious" with the other girl, I'm sure she would've appreciated me basically having to fight you off on our first date. Yeah, not so much. So, I sent a "best of luck to you" response and went about my life and forgot about him. Mainly because he scared the crap out of me.

Fast forward to this weekend, 5 months later, when I receive the classic Hail Mary email:

Hey. Remember me?? I know we went a good date a long way back and then I found myself in a series of unsuccessful and short lived relationships . . .

how have you been?

Okay, PRJ, let's think about this. First off, you obviously didn't like me enough back in August to say to the other girl that you wanted to date me instead of her, and then you managed to have not one, but a *series* of "unsuccessful and short lived relationships" between August and December. Okay, that's 5 months. In order to have more than one relationship (or something that a normal person would classify as a relationship and not just a date or two) within that time frame, there had to be overlapping or some sort of weird, fast-track relationship action happening there. And now, what do you have to say, PRJ? You've exhausted the other girls you liked better than me and so now you're recycling and going back to the ones you went on one "good date" with in the past? Really? I may send a very innocuous "things are good, hope all is well with you" response for sheer amusement value, but come ON. No one likes to be in the "I chose someone else over you, forgot about you for 5 months, and now decided to see if you will give me a second chance b/c I've got nothing else doing" category. If I subscribed to that theory, I'd still be sleeping with my last commitment-phobic "I don't know what I'm doing with my life" dude. Oh wait....right. On that note, one dramatic non-relationship is enough for me at a time. Sorry, PRJ, your loss!

There are no secrets....from Social Media.

2010-12-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

Since my dating life has been of the plain vanilla variety lately, I've got a few good ones to share with y'all that I've collected from others. This one was way too good not to pass along. A friend of a friend, who I've met a few times here and there, tends to get herself into some exceptionally interesting situations when it comes to dating. Case in point - she was introduced to a guy who lives in a different city one time by some mutual friends, and somehow ends up agreeing to travel to a tropical island with him for a vacation, despite basically knowing nothing about him other than from that initial meeting. Clearly this is off to an auspicious start.

They arrive at said tropical island, and much to her dismay and surprise, she finds out that he just wants to get high and go to raves / clubs the entire time. (WTF? - there's a BEACH there. Fruity drinks inside coconuts. I don't get it either). And turns out to be essentially a giant a**hole. After about 24 hours, she has lost him somewhere while he is off at some drug-fueled bash, and she resorts to begging the front desk to let her in the room (which initially they wouldn't do, b/c it's in his name) so that she can get her stuff out, books a second room for the night and arranges to fly back home the next day. She ran into this winner sometime that night in the hotel, and he basically told her to go eff herself (and most likely proceeded back to rolling and covering himself with glow paint while dancing to techno, but I don't have documented proof of the latter part, clearly). So, the unfortunate girl returns home, thoroughly disturbed by the whole experience and then proceeds to do what every human being in the modern world would have done BEFORE heading on a vacation (or out for a cup of coffee, jeez!) with a guy she doesn't actually know - she googles him. And finds his facebook page. Which clearly states that he is "In a Relationship" with some other girl.

Now, what to do in this situation? Do we have some sort of moral obligation to let the girl know that her boyfriend is a lying, cheating jerk who went on a tropical vacation with a girl he doesn't know, while still obviously keeping up the premise of being "in a relationship" with her? Do we just cut our losses and move on, forgetting that this jerk ever existed? Do we call up the "friends" who introduced us and say, WTF supposed "friends," why did you introduce me to this jerk in the first place?!! Well, this just gets better.

Instead of just letting it go and chalking it up to "one for the blogs," this friend of a friend takes it upon herself to email via facebook the jerk's girlfriend a "just thought you should know you're dating a d-bag" sort of message. Girlfriend writes back that she thought he was "going on vacation alone to think about things and the future and where they were going with their relationship." After several emails back and forth (this just keeps getting weirder), the jerk's girlfriend has now started looking to this girl as her relationship advice guru - they've developed a correspondence about what she should do, whether she should break up with him, etc, until eventually my friend of a friend had to say, look, crazy chick, enough is enough and I can't advise you on this anymore. I guess that when you're that much of a jerk, it makes sense that you'd be dating a girl that is sort of off somehow, but, from my perspective, if someone told me that THEY had gone on vacation with my boyfriend, I don't think that this is the person I would seek out to provide me with relationship advice, ya know?

The latest update on the story is that the jerk, when confronted, has become very contrite and is attempting to win his girlfriend's heart back, by sending her gifts, including a piano. Seriously. A piano. This is why I don't let people set me up anymore - I can find drug-addicted d-bags who want to cheat on their girlfriends all on my own!

There was this one time I dated a guy in a band...

2010-12-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

Right. One time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in response to several conversations with my dad / slightly concerned friends / nosy coworkers about why I keep "dating the same guy over and over." Now, I really don't feel that this is the case. There may be a lot of *similarities* between the guys that I've dated in the last 10 years or so, but, come on, aren't I allowed to have a type?! I mean, guys are allowed to exclusively date 5'8" blondes with boobs bigger than their IQ's, so why can't I date guys that are at least into / interested in something that's really important to me?

In opposition to my dating preferences, several arguments have been lodged, namely that the nature of the guy-in-band persona does not lend itself to the committed, stable relationship that I am programmed to ultimately desire. On this point, I beg to differ. Sure, there are total d-bags who have wives and kids at home, then go on tour, get wasted, bang groupies and think nothing of it, but let's face it, I'm not dating the chart-topping, MSG-performing types of guys here (nor would I want to...). And it's not like I have a "you must be in a band" rule for me to date a guy; it's more of a "you must be into music, preferably music I like" rule, which translates (probably too often) into dating guys in bands. Or who were in bands at some point. Or who just really like rock shows. Common interests are the root of all relationships, people! But, I promise, it's not a requirement. Really.

In 2002 I met a guy in a bar in Hoboken (*cringe*), back when you could still smoke in bars and I believe I bummed a smoke off him and that was all it took. He was older (swoon!), lived in Jersey City (kill me) and had a bunch of random roommates. His band toured in the Jersey small-to-midsize club scene. He was relatively cute, nice enough, and I was a stressed out second-year law student living with my parents. As you can see, a match made in "good enough" heaven. I didn't even like his band, but the fact that he found music important enough to spend his life doing it was enough for 22-yr old me, who was still clinging to my rock star ideals while preparing to sell out to the man as a career. And also I needed a place to crash on the weekends, because I wanted to go out in the city and not have to trek it back to the parents' place in the 'burbs. I was 22. Deal.

This short lived romance fizzled out when I met my law school boyfriend, who (predictably) in addition to being a law student was also a singer-songwriter (and later had a REALLY bad band....really bad). After about 2 months of hanging out, I had moved the bulk of my stuff from my parents' place to his 1-bedroom-loft+roommate apartment, and officially moved in by the summer. (Recurring theme: living with parents leads to rash relationship decisions. More on this later). This was the longest and most-missed relationship of my life, until we graduated, started our big firm corporate jobs and he became a serious d-bag. Incidentally, the breakup occurred around the time that he stopped playing music and started becoming super-interested in whether it was "too much" to buy his button-down shirts with his initials monogrammed on the cuffs. Yeah.

Since then, I've floated around in several different types of relationships, namely those that were functional and those that were non-functional to the point of hysteria. The last 3 guys I seriously dated were lawyer-types, not in bands and didn't really find that music / art / anything non-mainstream and non-socially accepted appealed to them at all. I tried, I really really tried. Just like I tried the lawyer thing, I tried to change myself into a person that cared about monogrammed cuffs and would be satisfied with the Dave Matthews Band being a top hit on a playlist. I think I felt nauseous for the better part of 6 years as a result.

So then, for the last year or so, I've decided that in addition to making a life change career-wise, I am going to make a "career" change dating-wise, and date guys I actually LIKE, and not guys that I feel are "appropriate" for me to date according to some antiquated system of my mother's expectations. And I have. And I've had my heart handed to me on several occasions.

From what I've learned, the people that I am actually attracted to, and that I actually want to spend time with, are like me - dramatic, emotional, empathetic, often slightly off-kilter - but they are the people I look forward to seeing. And yes, they are often in bands / into the music scene to a fault, but they are also the ones who put up with my 2 am text messages, because that's who I am, and that's what I do. And the ones who understand when I break up with them (although we're "not dating"...hmmm) 4x in a 6 week period then show up at their place on a random weeknight because my self-inflicted paranoia makes me afraid to sleep in my apartment, but for some reason I'm ok at their place. I've never met anyone - in all my years of non-functional dating - who has the ability to make me feel completely happy, calm and just like me as much as the guy that I'm "not dating" now, but, like all the rest, he's just "not ready" for any commitment. And yes, haters, he's in a band. But think of it this way, if he did commit, then what would happen to this hilarious blog?

I sacrificed more than a couch for this one

2010-12-03T12:36:00.000-05:00

My 12 loyal readers are way too familiar with this story, but I told it to my boss this morning, and his response was "when are they going to turn your life into a sitcom?" So, I figured that if there is someone out there reading this that hasn't heard this one yet, you will probably enjoy it!

My ex (who is, of course, now married to the next girl he dated after me) was sort of like dating a giant gorilla. He got angry when I told him it was like dating a monkey, because he preferred to be a gorilla (they're apes! they're not just monkeys! much more highly evolved). It took a full 30 second pause to get him to answer a question during a phone call (kill me, I'm a New Yorker, who has time for this?!) and sometimes he got this look on his face where he would sort of furrow his brow, stare into space and scratch his head with one finger (yeah, just like this). He also had a habit of eating ice cream when he got completely drunk. Now, personally, late night drunk food for me generally has to involve salty stuff - pizza, grilled cheese, Chinese food, chips, etc - I've never understood the desire for an ENTIRE pint of ice cream on top of a stomach full of 13 beers at 4 am. But hey, I'm just a monkey here.

Anyway, my ex went through a phase where he was coming back to my apartment late at night after going out drinking, and he would stop at the 24-hr bodega across the street for "provisions." (I secretly blame this store for the downfall of my relationship). He would then let himself in at 2 or 3 in the morning, sit down on my couch, turn on the TV and proceed to work his way through an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's. And then fall asleep. Yes, you know where this is going. He would wake up at 5 in the morning, confused, still drunk, and covered in melted ice cream. Did I mention that my couch is white? And that he apparently preferred chocolate-based ice cream flavors? Yes, couch fail. So, this happened once, and while I was completely pissed off at him, he was properly apologetic, we flipped the couch cushion, and all was well.

Until it happened again, about 2 weeks later. And apparently he only liked to sit on one particular cushion. So, long story short, both sides are ruined beyond flip-over-ability. I guess it is better than the nights he would stop at the chicken & rice carts on his way home after being out drinking, and the next day I would find a shot glass, "accidentally" taken from the last bar, filled with rice in the middle of my living room. Truly, I only date winners.

Ex-Bling

2010-12-02T23:04:00.002-05:00

We all have them - the keepsakes from past relationships; the things that you "accidentally" came home with from that one-night stand; the ex's sweatshirt / t-shirt / one stray sock that is still hanging around in your closet even though you broke up during the last decade. And sometimes, these things prove useful. They can be great for sleeping in! They serve as wonderful clean-the-bathroom rags! That one sock is insulating my air conditioner to keep it from rattling! (that last one is sadly legit). However, at the right time, all of these things find their way into that big ex-boyfriend closet in the sky, aka the trash chute. In my world, that "right time" is apparently when you get bed bugs and you don't want to spend an extra quarter on the laundry machines for said items. Whatever.

But then, as a woman at least, you encounter the other problem - the ex-bling. Now, you want to forget some useless dude, you can throw out the clothing reminders that are cluttering up your closet, along with the pictures, the cards, etc. But what about the bling? Guys so do not encounter this issue. I'm talking jewelry of all kinds - cheap, expensive, ugly, awesome - what do you do with those things that remind you of someone you'd care to be done with, but can't exactly just go in the trash? Now, the logical suggestion is sell that shiznit, and take the cash and go buy shoes. (Okay, maybe not 100% practical [re: shoe purchase instead of credit card debt payment], but you get my drift). But really, it's not worth that much. I haven't dated the high rolling, serious bling purchasing types of dudes (see: my unending desire for unemployed graphic designers in bands). I spent my early-to-mid 20's dating the "point to the Tiffany's catalog and tell me what piece of silver jewelery you'd like" type. I now own a significant portion of the Tiffany's silver collection circa 2004 - 2008, which sits, in all its partially-monogrammed, tarnished glory, on the top of my dresser. No one wants to buy that. There's no 16-yr-old girl out in the e-universe of eBay holding her breath and waiting for me to put my tag bracelet, with my own initials, up for sale. (Holy crap, that cost almost $300? Nah, not in 2004). I can't even sell it for the metal itself, b/c it's all just silver (which, in defense of my seven [or so] evil exes, was my preference).

So then, what to do? Well, some of it just sits there. I used to keep it hidden away, until I realized that I didn't care about gift-giver ex anymore, and I started just keeping all my jewelry in one place. Some of it is awesome and I still wear it and fully tell people that ask the provenance of such items. It's not like it's an engagement ring or anything, which is a totally separate topic from this general discussion. (30 second rundown: you have an engagement ring you "no longer need," you SELL SELL SELL as soon as humanly possible and spend a week on a tropical island drinking rum-based cocktails out of coconuts. Yikes.) So I guess my conclusion is that there really isn't much you CAN do with it, aside from just treating it like jewelry that your grandparents gave you as a kid - it's not really your style and you probably outgrew it years ago, but you can't throw it out so you'll just keep moving it around until your daughter finds it in your jewelery box in 20 years, thinks that it's awesome and steals it for herself. (Which is how I got a lot of the rest of my jewelery. Right.)

Oh right, I used to have a regularly updated blog...

2010-11-30T13:53:00.000-05:00

...but then again, I used to date more than once a month. Got it.

There is absolutely nothing exciting to report in MY dating world, so I figured I might as well comment on this lovely story, about a couple who met at the Bell House's annual Naughty Office Party last December and got married this October. Talk about a "whirlwind romance"....

Now, I myself went to the holiday singles party last year (which I believe was known as the "Meat Up"....WHY do I do these things?!), and found it to be basically your usual room full of slightly inhibited twenty- and thirty-somethings staring at each other from across the room until it got crowded and the free booze kicked in. True to form for me, I managed to meet a super cute guy who flaked out after 3 dates and was part of the triumvirate of weak dates that caused the genesis of this blog. There's a 99.9% chance that I will not be attending the "I'm single, please date me" fiesta this year.

This featured couple managed to meet in December and not only formulate a functional relationship in less than 10 months, they managed to plan a wedding as well. I have friends who take 3 months to pick a wedding DATE, how can these people realize that they are just "meant to be" within the first couple of months and manage to get it together to travel to Europe, get engaged and get hitched, in the amount of time that it generally takes me to let someone keep a toothbrush in my bathroom. So this all boils down - at least in my mind - to the concept of "the one." Does this really exist? I have a guy friend who has gone through a string of early-20's girls (he's 30) over the last couple of years, basically breaking it off with each (with much difficulty and drama each time) because they are not "the one." He can't tell you why, but each nearly-identical, attractive and slightly neurotic Jewish girl under the age of 25 that he's gone through just is not going to last for the long term. Or maybe he's just gay...

Brunch discussions this weekend have resulted in a workable formula: There is probably "the one" out there somewhere, but there's also probably 5 - 10 other guys out there that are good enough. Even typing this makes me cringe. Part of me thinks that Mr. Good Enough would make me happy, and if / when I meet him, I should just jump on that. But part of me thinks that what happens if you meet "the one" after you've already met Mr. Good Enough? Then what do you do? My commitment fear has just taken a concrete form. And with that, I'm going off in search of something chocolate. Sigh.

Confrontation, Conscious Decision-Making and Chocolate

2010-11-09T14:17:00.000-05:00

Most of my day can be divided into two segments - thinking about men-related things and thinking about food-related things. Sometimes, those two combine themselves into alternatively awesome / horrific situations. For example, the "OMG he wants to go out for an actual dinner and eat actual food like actual adults" awesome scenario. Or, the more likely, "I have to make an important decision, so instead of focusing on that I'm just going to eat cookies" horrific scenario. Unfortunately for me right now, I'm making stupidly annoying decisions, I'm the only one manning the office phones right now, and I can't leave to hit up the Godiva downstairs for my free "chocolate of the month" club rewards. Curses!

Important decision-making currently is taking the form of "maybe if I just don't call him for 3 days, he will realize how awesome I am, and will come running and suddenly be ready to date me and will become a perfect boyfriend." This theory is flawed, I think. After 3 days of no contact initiated by me, I finally broke down and contacted the Guy I'm Not Dating But Spend An Awful Lot of Time With. Because we DO spend that much time together, he is well aware of my...shall we say..."quirks," which often tend to rear their ugly heads whenever I've had (1) too little sleep; (2) too much to drink; and/or (3) too little communication from said Guy. Combine all 3, and I do what I do best - delete his number & entire contact info from my phone; delete my call logs, so that I can't get him from there (take THAT, drunk self thinking you can outsmart sober self!), and remove him from my instant message buddy lists. This generally works for 2-3 days, and then somehow we end up communicating via some sort of medium (damn you, Twitter! Foiled again) and hanging out. Today, after radio silence from me for 3 days, I finally broke down and asked him how his show went last night. (Because my penchant for unemployed graphic designers in "just about to take off" bands really will never end, no matter how hard I try...) During said conversation, out of the blue, he asked "Hey, did you delete my number again?" Sigh. The answer, of course, is yes, because I do this at least once a weekend. But, thankfully, I have enough sense to keep the crazy to a minimum and deflect the question, instead asking if he was asking me this because he missed my 3 am drunk dials. (Clearly, I am sure, he does).

So, I'm holding myself accountable, and it's about time to cut ties with this one. I'm bummed about it, but no matter how many times I said that things were fine, and I was happy with the way things were going in a causal fashion, and that I was still totally happy dating other people and this wasn't holding me back, I'm totally full of crap. And I'm not "waiting until he's ready to date me" again, because, clearly, that has worked out SO well for me in the past. Ugh. I guess this means I have to actually have a big adult talk with him, which is one of my top 3 least favorite things in the world, right up there with practicing law and bedbugs. My officemate better come back soon, because I need some chocolate, stat!

Bed Bug Bed Whore

2010-11-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

It's official. Bed bugs have turned me into a bed-hopping whore. NYC is stricken with an epidemic of bed bugs, which has basically caused me to not sleep / wake up in a panic for the better part of the last 6-8 weeks. Long story short, I had my apartment checked and am now living in a chemical-filled palace of plastic bagged clothing and have a deathly fear of going within 4 feet of my couch. When I'm forced to sleep there, it's rough. But somehow in my psychosis, I've decided that while MY apartment, which has been sprayed with bug-killing chemicals, is not "safe" to sleep in, ANYONE ELSE's apartment apparently is. I realize this is nuts, but I'd have to have a whole separate blog if we were going to discuss my potential psychological problems.

So what's a girl to do? Obviously, tell anyone and everyone about my fear of my own bed, and wait until they extend the invitation to stay over their place. Obviously. I spent the first 2-3 days post-bugpocolypse hiding out at my Guy I'm Not Dating But Spend An Awful Lot of Time With's house, which was great, because I got some sleep FINALLY. However, note the "not dating" part of that - eventually GINDBSAALOTW tired of dealing with my bug-o-phobia and sent me packing. Eff that - who DOESN'T want to be woken up at 3 am to check the sheets? Jeez. I spent a few nights creeping around my place which, in all honesty, is probably the LEAST bed bugged place in Brooklyn right now, and failing to sleep. This has caused me to become a half zombie, half irrational bitch, moderately functional bed whore. Now that I realize it's mainly just in my head, it's become the full on brilliant inroad for most dudes I hang out with because I am actually terrified to go home. So where am I going to go? Well, your place, obviously, which is probably dirtier, further away from my office, and completely inconvenient for me. (Yes, I am hoping that actually writing this in blog form triggers my brain to let go of the craziness. Right...) And so today, as I woke up somewhere waaaaaaay up on the Upper East Side, after 4 hours of sleep, potentially still drunk from last night and sneezing my a** off because I'm wickedly allergic to cats, I realized that yes, it's true, bed bugs have made me into a bed hopping whore. And this, my friends, is my gift to the men of NYC - I may be nuts, but apparently that works in your favor these days?!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled service for this amusing interlude

2010-10-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

Since my dating life has been tanking lately due to my (1) fear of JDate; (2) inability to find anyone with a job to take me out for dinner and (3) desire to start running more so that my damn pants fit better, I'm providing a much more interesting story than I could ever come up with courtesy of a certain college-age relation of mine who happened to call and tell me this anecdote while I was in mid-blog about something totally boring. So, then, boring blog deleted, and onward to much more interesting drama.

Apparently, my wonderful brother has some sort of set up where his bedroom is also the common room of his house (ahhh, college, don't miss it THAT much) so that people tend to walk right into his room at random times. Follow a typical evening on his part (drinks, strippers, ya know, the usual), he was at home, attempting to sleep, when he wakes up to someone shaking him and insistently trying to wake him up. He finally wakes up, and lo and behold, standing next to his bed is some girl he's never seen before. Okay, he lives in a fraternity house, these things happen. She's also completely naked. Ummm, bonus points? He manages to find out that she came home with one of his fraternity brothers, got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and ended up locked out of his room because the door auto-locks when it closes. So now naked chick is running around the house waking people up, and trying to get them to call this guy and wake him up so she can get back in to his room. Awesome. And +1 to my brother, for the wake-up surprise. And also for being an almost decent dude, and saying to me "I really should've offered her clothes, but I was sleeping and too fucked up to think of it until the next day." Love that kid.

On second thought tho, we've all been in situations where we're going home with people with roommates / house mates, etc (this doesn't change in your 30's unless you're dating people that have fancy lawyer jobs...and even THEN sometimes you're still doing the roommate avoidance dance). Who walks out naked to go to the bathroom? Whenever I'm in a house mate situation, I always make sure to at least put on a shirt before I walk out the door. I think it's my natural drunk instinct to make sure that, although I can't stand up and walk down the hall, I'm also not going to end up passed out drunk AND naked in front of the bathroom door. It might not be MY shirt (and it might not be a shirt at all - I'm a super fan of the conveniently located towel / blanket / other item that doesn't require too much coordinated effort), but it's something more than naked. Jeez.

Perhaps this is something we learn in our post-grad years? Does this mean I have obtained a master's degree in hookup etiquette? I'm thinking I'm more at Ph D status. I'm just wondering then who would be judging as I defended that dissertation. (That's what she said. Really.)

An open letter, to avoid future confusion

2010-10-15T15:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Internet Dating Men:

Despite the fact that I clicked on your profile before noticing that you were listed as "seeing someone" and not "single," I am not looking to be your on-the-side kinda girl. When I go on dates via the Internet, I'm hoping to actually meet someone who is awesome, and who wants to DATE me. I've got enough non-committal, possibly unemployed or underemployed dudes to hang out with if I'm just looking for someone who is clearly afraid to take the next step. I've met my quota of "I'm still in love with my ex" guys, and I'm pretty much at capacity for d-bags in general. That said, there is zero chance that I would respond in ANY way, let alone favorably, to the following email, which I received on OKCupid the other day:

I've been seeing someone for a little while and want to see where it goes, but you never know. You sound interesting and fun. May I save your email?

Hmm. May you save my email? You may do whatever you want, Captain D-Bag. Is this like having a back up battery for your camera just in case the battery dies mid-vacation? Do you want to make sure that you don't miss a minute of the "action" because you were unprepared? Don't worry, my email will still be there when the lovely lady you are seeing inevitably gives you the heave ho in the future. However, the fact that you are trolling OKC while seeing someone, and actually writing to people to keep them on hold in case your current relationship fails, generally puts you in my "do not reply" category. Sorry, Captain D-Bag, you'd be better served WAITING until you were single, if that was the case, in the future, and then emailing me then. And I liked your profile - I would've replied. But thankfully your true colors are out there before we come to that, and for this, occasionally, a d-bag saves you the trouble of having to find that out for yourself.

xoxo,

Internet Dating Women Who Are Not Doormats or Idiots

JDate Hate Hate Hate!!!

2010-10-13T12:04:00.000-04:00

I try to be serious. I try to find nice, normal guys with functioning brains, work ethics and bank accounts, who want to properly "date" me and not just sleep with me at the first sign of interest or hang out with me at 3 am when it's convenient for them. I try to be mature and responsible. I know that I have to use JDate or eharmony for this (and not my personal fave, OKCupid), but I hate hate hate it! However, every few months I give it another go. And frankly, every time I do this, I end up on another craptastic date.

Last night's JDate victim was actually pretty funny over the phone (when he CALLED pre-date to set up the date - bonus points for complying with the Rules). I got over the completely awful Long Island accent after the first 10 minutes or so, and forgave the fact that he was a lawyer because he seemed normal. (Side Note - apparently I need to stop myself from dating (1) unemployed graphic designers (2) guys in bands (3) commitment phobes and (4) effing LAWYERS. Jeez). Date was set for 8 pm at a bar near his apartment / my work, which I had been to before and approved as an appropriate first date spot. Captain JDate texts me at 1:30 pm to confirm we are still on track for 8 pm, with an amusing text. Points, again. He's "virtually" amusing. It's getting pathetic that this is what I look for in men by now, but if they can't do THAT much, then WTF, they are hopeless! At 7:30 pm, another text, asking if we can meet at 8:30 instead because he got stuck at work. Okay, I understand, the lawyering sometimes rears its ugly head. At least he gave me advance warning. So, 8:30 comes, game on.

From the first minute I knew I was going to have to "try" if I wanted to be interested in this guy, and I know that's the kiss of death for a date. He was cute-ish and did look like his pictures (thank goodness), but there are some people that just photograph better than they look in person. The LI accent & whiny voice were less tolerable in a noisy bar. Plus, he had small hands. Yes, you know what I mean. Girl hands. Kinda creeped me out, honestly. He also smelled like some sort of floral girly body lotion that I think my grandma keeps giving me in holiday package sets. And he kept touching my arm in a "punctuate my comments" kind of way, which made me feel like he was either trying to score a point in a chess game or get my attention like you do with a small child. We made polite conversation through a beer or so, but I knew it was all going downhill when he displayed a creepy amount of interest in finding out exactly what / where my tattoos were and then proceeded to tell me that when I'm 50 I'm going to regret having them. (**My JDate profile does say that I have 3 tattoos, as I've noticed that many Jewish guys consider this a deal-breaker, so why bother, you know?) I showed him the one visible one I have on my wrist, and despite how many times I explained to him that it was written in Hebrew and therefore did not say anything in English, he proceeded to fixate on it resembling an English word and then telling me that I should add other letters to it so that it kept spelling out different words. And would not let it go when I told him that this was one of my pet peeves, and I didn't find it funny. And then told me AGAIN that I would regret all of them when I was 50.

He followed up this awesome exchange by then telling me about how he was on a date with an "absolutely awful" girl a few months ago and by "accident" he texted his friend after leaving the date and told his friend in the text that "girl was awful, coming downtown to meet you." Except, of course, he sent it to the girl instead of the friend. Who texted him back the next day and called him a d-bag. Good for her. He didn't get why this was hilarious to me, and why it was "so bad" to send that text. After a long and boring conversation about his job, about how everyone at work thinks he's awesome and how he's single by choice and not because of any other reasons (ahem, yeah right), I finally finished my (ONE) beer, stood up and said "okay, I have to go now." He half-assedly walked me in the direction of the subway, but then started crossing the street and pointed the other way saying "you need to walk that way." This one was a WINNER! The best part of the evening (aside from the pre-game wine of course), was the fact that I had a 30 min subway ride home to read my book. And then I went home and proceeded to have an entire conversation over instant messenger with my latest unemployed freelance graphic designer, who volunteered to find this guy who made me cry (yes, yes he did, stupid making fun of me hit a nerve) and break his kneecaps. And you wonder why I can't functionally date "responsible" guys. Because they're just NOT NICE! All in all, an interesting evening. And with that, I go on JDate hiatus for another 6 months.

But I did it FIRST!

2010-10-08T15:46:00.000-04:00

The internet universe is going wild over some poor girl at Duke's "Honors Thesis," a complete PowerPoint presentation of her "research." She's getting nods from agents and spots on the Today show, because she managed to keep documented notes regarding the "Subjects" she banged at Duke during her senior year. She rated them on a point system, emailed the whole thing to a couple of her friends (one of whom SUCKS apparently, since the entire thing went viral) and is now probably going to make money off of her ho-bag-ness.

Dude, where's my paycheck?

I've been carrying around my list since 1993, people. Back in the good old days, we didn't have PowerPoint. We didn't have text messages. We barely had functioning word processing programs (umm, hello, early WordPerfect). Inspired by "Reality Bites," my list is on two pieces of old school looseleaf paper, the college ruled kind, held together with scotch tape. I kid you not. When I run out of room, I don't even know where to get more of this paper, considering I haven't handwritten anything in years. The list is written in a dozen different colors, from regular pens to sparkly markers, and annotated with a very complex system of asterisks, check mark and initials, forming an indecipherable code that actually means something to me. You can see my handwriting change throughout the years, considering it started when I was in 8th grade (early bloomer - so what?) up through the college years (man, I was prolific in a Shakespearian way during my late teens / early 20s) and continuing on through grad school, the slow spells where I was actually in a relationship, and my sprint to the finish of 2009. There are the fully documented entries, and then the WTF moments which are generally a first name with a question mark, and/or some sort of qualifier such as "X's friend" or "Y's wedding, 2003". (My personal favorite is "Outside Jimmy's, Summer 2000" - RU crew, that one's for you....) There are a few people that have seen it, or parts of it, but come ON - who is stupid enough to publish something like this on the internet, where it's so super easy to send it around to people?

With the technology today, I could put together essentially the same manifesto as Ms. Duke Honors Thesis, and therefore subject myself to the same costs / benefits that she's obtaining now. Man, that would be quite a manifesto - if it was entirely complete, I think I'd crash my computer just trying to upload that file. Sure, I'd LOVE a book deal (hello my 12 blog readers), but at the same time, I don't need the entire world to know I'm a slut-bag. Or was a slut-bag. Or simply just don't really care. But anyway.....I think about the "market research" I've done over the years. If I wrote such a thesis, would I be able to write off my vodka tonics as business expenses? What about late night cab rides, or cute underwear? This could seriously improve my financial situation. There's got to be a way to cash in on this.....

Two Girls, one..............

2010-10-06T13:32:00.002-04:00

This isn't going to be as dirty as you would've hoped. But I'm thankful that this one didn't happen to me either. (Yes, I'm reaching, it's been a bit quiet on the dating front around here, but I'm ramping back up for fall - I promise!)

We all remember Mr. Thought-he-was-gay-but-really-has-a-girlfriend from earlier this spring, right? Well, now he's back, girlfriend-less, and jumping into the online dating waters with both feet. (thankfully he's not jumping into MY waters...but I digress).

He's joined OKCupid, one of my favorite places to meet my bevy of unemployed freelance graphic designers and future rock stars. Here's where the fun starts. Because he is fresh meat on a dating website, he's getting messaged by tons of cute girls, some of which he will respond to, some he ignores, the usual. Two of them he finds particularly interesting - enough to set up a date with Girl 1, and suggest a date to Girl 2. However, shortly before the date with G1, Mr. THWGBRHAG receives a message from G2, explaining that G2 is not allowed to talk to him anymore. Why is this? Oh, because G1 and G2 are (of course) best friends, who independently contacted Mr. THWGBRHAG from their OKCupid accounts, unbeknownst to the other. Being the truly classy individual that he is, Mr. THWGBRHAG informs G2 that they don't have to stop speaking, because he's sure that if it works out with G1, he will meet best friend G2 somewhere along the line. Right.
Mr. THWGBRHAG and G1 go on their date, and he likes her well enough to plan to see her again. However, a few days later, he receives another message from G2 saying that she is now permitted to speak to him again. (Hmm....maybe G1 wasn't feeling it? Who knows.) Then, Mr. THWGBRHAG sets up a post-work hangout on a Friday night with G2, only to have G1 ask him mid-afternoon what he's up to that night. The dilemma! Lie? Tell her he's busy? Tell her he's busy b/c he's going out with G2? The plot thickens.

Saturday, I receive a text msg from Mr. THWGBRHAG telling me that he's in a group BBM chat with both G1 and G2, who are apparently drunk at brunch. From his brief recon on this, G1 is weird around G2, and G2 is mean. Sounds like a girl on girl competition here, with best friends trying for the same guy. He took the high road and said that he had made up his mind, and would go for either G1 (the nice one) or neither. And then jumped to the low road and said "Unless I could close them both at once, obviously."

Man, men and their double-teaming friends fantasies. I'm proud to see that my friend actually had a moral dilemma over having two friends both trying to date him. I'm also proud that he put that dilemma aside for the potential of double-teaming two 26-yr olds. Men.

Alright, kids, now a ray of hope

2010-09-24T15:41:00.001-04:00

So after my last post caused much well-placed sympathy for my terrible dating situation, I've decided to recount a story (mainly directed at one specific reader who shall remain nameless but who could use a little optimism!) that might make things look less grim.

We start with Officemate #2, married, 2 young kids, early 40s. However, OM2 was also a dating disaster for many years, including a broken engagement and many years of her early-to-mid 30's spent doing the 5:30 pm makeup fix-up in the office ladies' room in preparation for yet another blind date / fix up / JDate / what have you. By the time she reached her late 30's, she had resigned herself to being a good aunt to her nieces, and that was that. However, things changed when she least expected it. In a fitting twist of irony, she was doing laundry in her apartment building in her pajamas on Valentine's Day when in walks her neighbor. They strike up a conversation, she doesn't think much of it and returns to her apartment. Apparently, he asked about her at the front desk and found out who she was and where she lived from the doorman. Long story short, fast forward 4ish years and this younger guy, who she would have quickly bypassed if she found him online (due to their age difference), is now her husband and the father of her 2 children. And though she may sometimes drive me nuts in the office, but OM2 is one happy lady.

So there's my PSA for the day, saying that you know what, it can happen. You can have your random connections that lead to something more, when you least expect it, and after years and years of trying. Now, do I have it in me to keep this up for another 6-7 years? Probably not, honestly. But then again, what else do I really have to do in the time being, right?

Online dating is starting to make me nauseous

2010-09-23T17:14:00.000-04:00

You ever have that feeling when you've spent hours upon hours searching for something online, and you've been clicking through the pages so quickly that it makes you feel dizzy and like you're going to throw up on the computer? (this is particularly relevant to my lawyer friends who have done online research, but I'm sure it applies overall). Well, yeah, that's how online dating is starting to make me feel. Except it's EVERY time I open a new page on a dating website. And it doesn't matter how fast I click through.

This project has been going on for at least 6 months now, and honestly, I'm trying to take stock and see if I've learned anything. I put the Sex Ban in place, then I broke it on a guy who was technically grandfathered in, but in actuality was pretty much the kind of guy I put the ban in place to avoid - namely someone I wanted to date, who apparently had "different" aspirations (dating? but we didn't do that when we were in college....why do we have to do that now?!). I've tried to be open minded, but honestly I keep dating the same guy over and over. There are moments when I'll be sitting there having a conversation and I'm like, wait a second, didn't we go through your issues about this already? ...only to realize that nope, that was a different guy, a month ago, on a different couch at 3 am. Oops. I can NOT date (1) another artist / designer who "freelances"; (2) another guy that's just "waiting for the band to take off....we're gonna be huge!" or (3) another one just out of a serious / long-term / more than one month relationship but is, for some reason, convinced that they are ready to move on and want to hang out until the crucial "are we dating" conversation happens, and suddenly they pull a Houdini.

I've now encounterd guys I've dated / slept with randomly / known since high school / met on a subway once, etc all over the interweb of dating. I feel like I've reached the end of the internet dating universe, only to come out on the other side dating the same damn d-bag. One of the perks of this project is that at least I am being realistic about this process, and am moving on a lot faster to the next d-bag rather than waiting and waiting for one guy to "be ready to date" (FN: if anyone who knows me in real life EVER hears me say the phrase "he's just not ready, but I'm going to wait," you may fully push me in front of a subway train. That will be less painful than trynig to date said un-ready guy). But, I'm thinking that there's got to be a better way to do this rather than playing internet dating roulette. I've tried set-ups, I've tried friends-of-friends, but sadly, no dice. So, I did what any other normal person would do. I went crying to my boss, obviously. Who gave me the same advice that many friends and family members have - you should try to meet people while you're doing activities you like to do, then you will have common interests. Ummm, right. I do yoga. Not exactly the hotbed of dating promise I would hope (although the flexibility aspect is quite nice...). I go to a decent amount of concerts / shows, which sounds like a great way to meet people with similar music taste & interests, however in practice, if I've paid $X for a show, I want to SEE THE SHOW and not deal with my usual dating drama.

So, my 4 loyal readers, suggestions? Cos I'm running out of ideas here, but we must keep the project going strong, dammit!

The Sex Project

2010-09-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

This blog began as a "dating project," in which I attempted to provide a rule-based environment for dating as a reaction to spending many months / years dating rather poorly (jerks; commitment-phobes; guys who roll over cabs while drunk, etc). However, I realized at some point that in addition to the dating project, which, quite honestly, flamed out a bit when I met people I actually liked, there was one point lacking - mainly, the sex project. That portion of the aspect of dating didn't have rules, other than not banging him on the first date. I guess I didn't really think about that aspect much - if I'm banging them, I'm banging them, and that's about it.

After about 7 - 8 months of this, I learned a few things. Namely, even if I date "by the book," it's not guaranteed to work out, and even if they fail to follow the proper time line / call at the right time / send smoke signals to contact me from the subway train when they have no cell service and are running 10 min late, it doesn't really matter if I've decided to continually bang them despite these ESSENTIAL dating failures. So, about a month or so ago, I decided to embark upon phase 2 of the "dating project" - the complete sex ban.
Now, I'm not a crazy person (and no one needs me to TMI this out THAT much), but the sex ban basically encompasses actual "hit a home run" sex, and still allows our lucky contenders to have a trip around the bases after a bit of time. The results have been *quite* interesting to say the least. In the first instance, we have Guy #1, who I have been "dating" (yes, quotes) on and off since about June. Of course, he's not over his ex. Of course, he's not ready for a relationship. This IS my life after all. Now, despite the fact that we have had sex in the past, I show up at his place late one night after we had failed to get together for a couple of weeks and I honestly thought that ship had sailed. Around 1 am I proceed to announce that the sex ban is in effect. That night, I think he was more (1) shocked (2) confused and (3) worried if I had an STD than anything else. However, once the ban took effect, we've been hanging out a lot more. In-ter-est-ing. My theory is that the lack of sex took the pressure off of him to be "in a relationship" with me, and now we can just hang out as friends with benefits. Or he thinks I'm nuts and is hoping to be on my good side in the event of the zombie apocalypse. However, I'm doubtful that this one will ever progress past the "dating in quotes" stage, and each passing day pretty much reinforces that.

The sex ban is taking potential bangable friends out of the running, and (could it be?!) actually causing me to develop actual friendships with people that have penises rather than just finding someplace to stick it. (sorry , that was vulgar, I agree). Take Guy #2, a friend I'd definitely at least consider dating if HE wasn't another broken, just out of a relationship, commitment-phobic typical guy that I find myself involved with. But he's awesome, I definitely enjoy hanging out with him, and the sex ban has put a whole new dynamic on our relationship. Since he's a friend, he is well aware of the ban. But, on the flipside, we've been hanging out more than before and getting to know each other at least. Potential? Maybe. But at least I'm looking before I leap, and I'm not leaping in the air and conveniently landing on his man-piece. (Man, this one is a lot cruder than usual).

Then there's always my SOAFBNRFB. I thought long and hard (pun intended) about whether he was cut off as well. And I decided that he is grandfathered in - I mean, you need exceptions in order to have the rules survive, right? But, conveniently, due to his super-busy new job and my super-busy social life, we actually haven't managed to get together since our little getaway back in the beginning of the summer. We tried a few half-hearted 1 am texts of the "where are you, want to meet up" variety, but honestly neither of us was digging it at that particular time. However, we're definitely on for the future, whenever we're both in that mindset again. Which just proves my point - a SOAFBNRFB is pretty much the best thing ever.

Now, the sex ban is approaching its shelf life end date, so to speak, as my birthday (the end date) is now a few weeks away. I'm kinda digging the sex ban. It's pretty empowering, and saves a lot of drama-time. But also, I've been really only putting it in to action with one person (Guy #1) and have simply used it in other cases to avoid a one-night stand here and there. And honestly, Guy # 1 is another DATING FAIL, and he's the only one that would benefit from lifting the ban now anyway. So I'm keeping it in my pants. Or out of my pants. Or I'm having nothing to do with pants. Ugh, I'm tired.

We're back, and ready for round two

2010-09-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

So back many moons ago, I was a victim of "the set-up," a very well-intentioned idea from a mutual friend, which ended up with my pants off somewhere in the East Village around 4 am. Although that clearly led to the makings of a serious, long term relationship, I (finally) got the drift that he was just not that into me after a couple of unreturned texts.

But then, something very interesting happened. I realized that I was just not that into HIM either. I mean, he is certainly cute and funny, but I am ALLOWED to have a type, and he was NOT that type. It was pretty refreshing actually. I am not so un-dateable that I must be stuck dating guys I hate because they pay attention to me! And if this one doesn't work out, there's like 5 zillion guys online (of which 4,999 zillion are d-bags, given) that I can date. Or I can just wait until the next set-up with bated breath. The point is, I don't have to date them all just because THEY are willing. But I digress...

At some point, I realized something else - he was *exactly* my friend's type. Now, any normal person in this situation would just cut their losses and move on. But not me, clearly, not me. Instead, I email Mr. Set-up and inform him that he should contact and date my friend. This is about 3 months after we had our last "date" (aka, after we last banged til 6 am and got coffee the next day). I'm sure he fell off his chair. I'm sure he also thought I was emailing him to tell him that (1) I had some sort of STD or (2) "remember our prom night? well, meet your son." Luckily, I'm just nuts. Regardless, he emailed her, then eventually flaked and failed to follow through. So basically, we've established that he's just a DATING FAIL and, despite my rule breaking, I'm still awesomely dateable. Also, he often pops his collar, according to Facebook. I just can't....really, I just can't.

clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right...

2010-08-30T13:11:00.000-04:00

More sex science! The booty call has been elevated to it's own special category of "relationship," according to researchers at the Univ of W. Florida. From this esteemed source:

Demonstrative of booty-call relationships' sexual nature was individuals' tendency to leave after sex and infrequent handholding. In contrast, the romantic nature of booty-call relationships was demonstrated through the frequency of acts like kissing. The results suggest the booty-call relationship is a distinct type of relationship situated between one-night stands and serious romantic relationships.

This confuses me. Are we having one night stands based upon the Pretty Woman theory and just jumping into bed without kissing them first? And since when is "hand-holding" a prerequisite for relationships? Are we in the 6th grade here, people?? Also, I feel like there are plenty more shades of gray in between a one-night stand and a serious romantic relationship rather than just the booty call. I mean, what IS a booty call besides a one-night stand that went surprisingly well, so you turned it into a two- / three- / x-night stand anyway? So you know them a bit better than just some guy you picked up in a bar randomly. That really doesn't qualify as any more of a "relationship" than just simple math - do the same thing (or, more accurately, person) x number of times, and you've got 2(one-night stand) or 3(one-night stand) or x(one-night stand), but you're never really reaching the (one-night stand) ^x, aka the "real relationship."

Now, I believe that the booty call / f*ck buddy relationship - distinguished from the friends with benefits relationship - is one of the more important relationships of society. I've definitely advocated this one in the past - it's the no-strings-attached, it's 1 am and instead of going home with the random guy in the bar who may be a serial killer / bizzaro fetishist / have 4 roommates and a hygiene problem, you know what you're getting. And you will NOT get or give any more than that. Because, people, random, late-night text messages full of "meet me here; can't wait to get you naked" sentiments are the stuff that dreams are made of.

this article made me re-active the blog

2010-08-24T12:11:00.000-04:00

i've been on hiatus, mainly because it's just too depressing to continually blog about my dating failures (as hilarious as they may be). However, I had to throw my hat in the ring on this one.

Apparently, there is now scientific proof that hookups are not killing relationships. The University of Iowa has come out with a study, basically proving that (1) if you want a serious relationship, don't have sex and (2) if you don't want a serious relationship, but you have sex, you may end up in a serious relationship regardless. This is conceptually tangible, but yet how does this require funding to study? Obviously, if you give up the goods immediately, and yet still want to catch them and keep them, there's a lower likelihood that they're going to stick around (as we all know, everyone wants what they can't have). But, conversely, they're now "conclusively proving" that if you start off in a casual, no-strings kind of thing, you may end up "just as happy" in a serious relationship with your f*ck buddy at the end of it all. I mean, seriously, is there some sort of happiness meter they are measuring it on? Like, you don't want to punch e/o in the face at least 75% of the time equates uber happy? Does this mean that my SOAFBNRFB will end up my serious boyfriend, according to this article? I don't want that - really I don't - but will I be "just as happy" that way?

I feel like I've tried and tried to date according to my rules. I've sat through 2 drinks with 90% of the eligible guys in Manhattan & Brooklyn (yes, I'm a borough snob, deal with it). I've waited until x number of dates before hooking up, and I've never called / texted / emailed / sent a message flying behind a single engine plane over their house without said communication being solicited by the other party first. And you know what? I'm in exactly the same place I was last August, pre-Rules, but without a huge level of constant anxiety and drama due to the fact that my bizzaro 2009 "boyfriend" (aka Mr. "We're Not Dating") is no longer in the picture. But overall, I'm a lot happier. I feel like I've tried at least, and yes, I've failed, but the ones that have stuck around the longest out of this dating project are the ones that I broke every rule with. And yes, this one in particular has announced to me that he is "not ready to date" and "not over his ex" (two of my FAVORITES let me tell you), but at the same time, I'm keeping him around, because he doesn't suck as much as all the "following the rules" types do! Or, I suppose, as this article tells you, Rules are meant to be broken. Hmmm.

Consider the blog re-opened, and I'm back to updating as much as I have something interesting to say!

The Rule of Three

2010-06-22T17:29:00.000-04:00

One of my former roommates brought up a great point last night - when she was single, she followed the "rule of three" at all times while she was dating, and it worked liked a charm. It's a simple theory - date 3 different guys causally at the same time, and you'll never over-cling to any particular one because you're too busy with all three to be an insane person (like I often tend to be when I actually LIKE someone). And then when you meet one that you like better than the rest, it makes it easier to slowly ease the other two out of your life, and be with the one front runner. You can, of course, mix it up and rotate one out periodically so that you have a fun one, a serious one, one for dating on weekends, one for doing certain types of activities with, etc. It makes sense, considering we live in NYC, and there are WAY too many potential awesome people out there to be limiting yourself to just one.

Now, that said, sometimes it's hard to keep the three plates spinning in the air at once. One guy wants to see you all the time, and doesn't understand that you're DATING THREE PEOPLE HERE, you can't possibly be available Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday to see him. Gosh. Another one just sort of fizzles out because you don't give it the proper attention. The third one gets back together with his ex. Hey, it happens, and you just switch them out and start again. Or they pop back up in your life, after you've written them off and you think you'll never see them again. Or you meet a cute one at a bar, take him home for one night, and end up dating him forever. Who knows. The point is (and this is more for myself than for anyone else, honestly) is that there are endless possibilities out there, and it doesn't make sense to limit yourself to just one, obsess over one, stress over one, when that one is most likely not doing the same for you. So until it needs to be just the two of you, because you end up falling for each other and it doesn't make sense not to be just the two of you, why not have it be just the four of you? And on that note, I made some serious headway through my online dating inboxes today. Work productivity, you take a backseat for my social life after 4 pm!

Overheard on the Subway

2010-06-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

The other day I was on the subway heading from the Upper West Side back to Brooklyn, so I settled in, got comfortable, and the proceeded to eavesdrop on the conversation between two young women sitting next to me. Judging by the fact that I got on at 96th Street and they were on the train already, I have a feeling they were students of some sort coming from Columbia University, but I couldn't tell exactly how young they were (I'm guessing early 20s). Regardless, one is asking the other about a guy she is apparently dating, and the classic, all to familiar example of "are we or aren't we dating" reared its ugly head. A brief summary of the conversation:

Girl 1: So has he ever called you his girlfriend?

Girl 2: He's done it twice, so that means we're really boyfriend / girlfriend, right?

Girl 1: Well, how did he do it?

Girl 2: The first time he did it he said it to a cab driver, like, he was getting in a cab really late night and was totally wasted and was trying to convince me to come down to his place, and he gets in the cab while he's on the phone and says to the driver 'Convince my gf to come downtown' and then I heard the driver laugh. So that counts because he said it to someone else and he wasn't really thinking about it and it just came out of his mouth.

Girl 1: Oh definitely.

....and sadly, they exited the train before I could hear example 2 of the "girlfriending," which, I'm sure, was equally demonstrative as example 1.

As part of my little dating experiment, I've decided to keep myself on a very short leash emotionally and realistically, and avoid the exact situation that Girl 2 is in - it's NOT enough anymore to have some half-a**ed reference to things like "girlfriend" and take that as meaning that thing are serious between you. At age 20, sure, that's enough. But at 30, I'd like some action to follow those words (no pun intended), and to actually have you BEHAVE like I'm your girlfriend and treat me properly. No more of this "is he, isn't he" in name only crap. This also may explain why I'm still single....

Mr. Actual Potential? Yeah, right.

2010-06-09T10:29:00.001-04:00

Last night I went on a semi-interesting 7th date with a guy who has heretofore remained unmentioned on DNC, possibly because he was Mr. Actual Potential. He was the guy that I couldn't eat my lunch for the first couple of weeks when I knew we were going out for drinks at night. He's perfect on paper, super cute, smart, etc. But there was always something a little off about him (and don't get me wrong - quirky is my thing), and I think it's gotten to the "chalking this one up to experience" point.

Last night, date 7 at the bar around the corner from me. (SEVEN. When is the last time I've been on 7 dates with ANYONE??) Starts off awkward - I was exhausted, he was stressed out regarding finding a job, the usual. However, at some point during the night, he decides to tell me two wonderful stories - one involves a house guest who will be staying with him this coming weekend, who he used to hook up with but doesn't anymore (and clearly this should not phase me at all), and the second involves a former colleague of his that he used to sleep with while he was her supervisor (hmmm....this sounds familiar to me....effing lawyers), who he met for drinks the prior evening. Apparently the former colleague is "just a friend" as well, and she was in a serious relationship for a long time, which just ended last week and is the reason they went for drinks. And apparently former colleague "let herself go" while in her relationship, and she's gained weight, which he told her was unacceptable. He then began to tell me how awesome she was, smart, funny, etc, but that they tried to date and it didn't work out....I don't know. Who tells a girl this while trying to date her? And here I thought I was actually making progress with this one, albeit in a one step forward, two steps back kind of way.

So, the awkward evening continues. We actually end up having a semi-serious discussion about how there was definitely something there between us for the first few weeks, and then somehow in the last couple of weeks it kind of disappeared (which may have something to do with my Spain trip with my SOAFBNRFB, but really, that's not Mr. Actual Potential's problem when the trip was planned before we met and we had only been on like 5 dates). It got to the point where (1) I was hungry but didn't feel like eating with him and (2) I just wanted to go home. Finally end up leaving, at which point I walk him towards the subway (thank goodness this phenomenal occasion took place near my apartment), and he kisses me goodbye and tells me that "this isn't goodbye." Ummm, really? That was pretty much the worst date EVER, so I'm thinking that it might be goodbye. Or it might be, we're not going to work out as a serious relationship, but I guess we can keep banging.

But the BEST part of all of this? I come in to work this morning, and who is number one on my computer-generated "people to call" list for today? You guessed it - Mr. Actual Potential's former colleague, who is still at his old law firm. Effing priceless.

You live, you get drunk, you learn

2010-06-08T11:54:00.001-04:00

Well, I've had official confirmation that Mr.Thought-He-May-Be-Gay-But-Really-He-Just-Has-A-Girlfriend not only has a girlfriend, but is also kind of a jerk. Despite the fact that I thought he was just a needy, whiny bizatch, I'm thinking more these days that he's more of a player than I thought, and I'm more of a clueless idiot than I thought.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I did not follow any of my Rules with this one. Not a single rule. In fact, I broke the Technology Rules so far, that we actually reconnected on Facebook for the first round of communication, and then proceeded on a whirlwind adventure of constant calls / texts / communication via no less than 5 forms of social media. For a span of approximately a month, we saw each other every weekday for coffee / errands / lunch, etc and then mysteriously didn't communicate that much on the weekend (big effing mystery, he was too busy w his girlfriend, which he conveniently didn't tell me about). In fact, I only found out about said girlfriend via text message when I checked in on FourSquare to say that I was doing the walk of shame from a different guy's apartment. (It is also important to note that while we definitely banged 10 years ago, NOTHING had happened since we reconnected in 2010. Nothing. Just friends, obviously). The text message love proceeded to have him inform me that yes, he did have a gf, and he just sort of "ended up" in this situation and "wanted it to be casual" but then somehow it got "out of control." Umm, I'm sorry. Man up and handle your biz. He's working on his "exit strategy" and will be "semi-unavail for a bit longer." Men are jerks. I feel bad for this clueless chick (the part of which has often, in the past, been played by me).

Fast forward to the culmination of weeks of sexual tension (I mean, I admit it, there's something to the whole Men & Women can't be friends thing, particularly when there's been some banging in the past....) and suddenly he's meeting me late night Saturday night for drinks,when I've been out drinking for 3 hours already and he's dead sober. And making out with me on the street, in the bar, etc. And telling me things like "we [the gf & him] had a big talk last night," etc. Because anyone who actually knows me knows that I have a HUGE problem with the entire concept of cheating, be in on me, with me, or just hearing about it. But I digress....

I have big blank spots in my memory of the end of that evening, but apparently he was dead sober, remembers everything, and is mildly insulted that I forgot. Oh, and didn't text the next day b/c he slept late, then the girlfriend came over, so he thought that it was not a good time to be texting me. And when we met for coffee on Monday and I say "were things weird; did you get in trouble?" he looks at me like I have two heads. Man, I really can pick them, huh? At least I've learned one thing from this little project - no matter how cute he is, no matter how much attention he wants to give me, and no matter how often he's going to call / text / email / facebook / foursquare / yelp / linkedIn or otherwise message me, he's not datable and I'm sticking to it.

Online dating made simple!

2010-06-03T11:41:00.000-04:00

So from my various and vast forays into the world of online dating, I've decided to put together this handy little reference guide to help out all of you so that you don't have to play the trial and error game like I did.

Height: When a guy lists himself at 5'10", it means that (1) in about 60% of the cases, he is around 5'10"; (2) in about 25% of cases he's approximately 5'9" - 5'10" and (3) in the remaining 15% of cases, he's something ridiculous like 5'6" but just thinks that he can get away with this lie b/c it's online dating, dammit! They're NEVER taller, ladies. NEVER. If they're close to 6', they're going to say 6' so if you want 6' don't think you can give 5'10" a shot, or else you may end up with up to 4" less than you expected - pun intended.

Age: This is generally truthful. As in, I've never encountered an age liar, but I would think that in different age brackets you might (as in, the over 40 set).

Weight / Body Type: Every guy thinks they're The Situation, unless they are clearly NOT The Situation. As in, if they have any hope of taking their shirt off on the beach this summer, they're going to click the box for "athletic" or "average" or "muscular." Now, this is generally a slight shading of the truth. For the most part, they are all "average" and tend to fall in the "needs improvement" category on a moderately frequent basis. However, I also think it depends on the location, because in a culture like New York City, "average" is a relative term. I tend to use my easy weed-out-the-out-of-shape-ones test relatively early on in the game - aka the fact that I run, and run often, and often do so at ridiculously early hours of the morning. If any of that freaks you out, and if you haven't seen the inside of a gym or the running loop in the park since high school, you should be clicking the "more to love" check box. Seriously. And if they do check the "more to love" box, all the power to them for honesty.

Income: First of all, that's just crass in my book to be posting that bizness on the interweb. Especially when you are trying to date people. Posting the occupation itself generally takes care of that, without having to say either "I can woo you with expensive dinners because my personality is lacking and I have daddy issues" or "I am a poor, starving artist living with 5 roommates in Greenpoint, but I am so creative and original that you will look past my disagreeable financial status and my lack of hygiene and fall madly in love with me." Right.

So yes, a starting primer for the online dating set, to be updated as necessary. And this post would have been up sooner, except for the lack of internet in my apartment due to Time Warner Cable FAIL while I was on vacation. DNC is back - more excitement and vacation recap to follow soon!

DNC on much-needed hiatus

2010-05-26T14:06:00.002-04:00

I'm out of here for a week. In a stunning twist of "I can't believe this crap I spout on this website actually works," I'm off to Spain for a week with my SOAFBNRFB. It's amazing what happens when people are actually on the same page about things. It took very little more than him saying he would be in Europe, me offering to pay for my flights if I could stay at his hotel, him booking a hotel and it's on. No expectations when we return (aside from our usual FB relationship, which is getting kind of infrequent since we're both ridiculously busy), and I'm looking forward to an amazing trip.

Impressive, no?

A shocking display of co-dependency

2010-05-24T11:09:00.000-04:00

We've previously discussed Mr. Thought-He-May-Be-Gay-But-Really-He-Just-Has-A-Girlfriend and how, after a 10 year hiatus, we are apparently BFFs and constantly texting / emailing / running together, etc. However, it all came to a head in the last few days and I realized that (1) he DOES have a gf; (2) he's being incredibly shady by not ever mentioning her despite the fact that we talk pretty much every day at least 2 - 3 times and (3) he has some SERIOUS co-dependency issues. Case in point....

There's a certain neediness and whiny-ness that I've detected lately. Apparently, despite declaring to me the other day that the fact that we live in two different boroughs makes me "geographically undesirable" (no joke), he can't do anything without me when he's within a 5 block range of me. I receive many, many texts telling me he is "thirsty" and that I should meet him to "get coffee at Starbucks" (we work 3 blocks apart), and since getting out of my odd work environment is often my #1 priority, I do meet him pretty regularly. During these little coffee breaks, I am often required to go to the drugstore with him and buy baby powder so his "balls don't sweat while running" as well as "wait with [him] for [his] lunch to be ready" at the deli b/c he doesn't like "waiting all alone." Hmmm. Warning signs, hello?! Compulsive texting, emailing and calling, and wanting to spend a LOT of time with me, but yet he HAS A GIRLFRIEND. This was topped off by a *priceless* performance after a big race we ran last weekend, when a bunch of us were hanging out in the crowd trying to find our friends and get our plans together. At which point, this conversation ensues:

Him: (insert whiny voice) Just walk me to the subway - can you help me find the subway.

Me: We are going to walk on the beach a bit then head back, so we're not walking towards the subway.

Him: Well can't you just walk with me there and then go to the beach????

Me: No, you can either hang out with us on the beach then take the train with us, or walk there yourself.

Him: I don't have tiiiime to hang on the beach. Just walk me to the traiiiiiiin!

Me: Not. An. Option.

My friend actually had to walk away during this exchange to avoid throwing his whiny a** in the ocean. He finally managed to get himself the entire 3 blocks to the subway all alone - I'm SO proud of him. He spend the rest of the weekend checking in to places on Foursquare with his girlfriend, and then began texting me last night about his yoga classes. I chose to not respond. Unfortunately for me, I would cut this one loose except (1) he really IS a great running partner; (2) I do happen to find him ridiculously attractive and (3) although it's been 10 years since the last time, I would absolutely bang him again for reasons that are a little too crass for this blog :)

As my friend put it, he doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a mommy. Ugh. I am SO not going there, at least!

My confusion is now confused

2010-05-17T12:54:00.000-04:00

Things I learned this past weekend:

(1) This guy is NOT gay;

(2) He may or may not have a 24 year old girlfriend;

(3) He's cuter in person than online, and

(4) He likes to text message me a LOT. About random workout stuff. Generally while he's hanging out with said 24 year old. Or late at night / early in the morning. Right.

Yeah, so basically, back to square one. I was REALLY hoping he'd turn out to be gay so I wouldn't have to think about him anymore. And now he's straight AND potentially unavailable? Oh that's just MEAN, Universe, that's just mean!

It's all part of the job

2010-05-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

So rewind several weeks and remember Client Guy, who had a slightly awkward conversation with me about (1) getting drinks after a successful deal and (2) managed to ask me if I was married in pretty much the most awkward way possible. Well, fulfilling my work duties as necessary, I met him for a couple of beers after work yesterday at a bar near my office. Client Guy just cracks me up. We had to talk him off the ledge a few times in the past 4 months, and I previously heard ALL about the broken engagement + moving back in with the parents which obviously = a dateable winner for me!

Last night was surprisingly fun, for what it was. I mean, yes, he did show up drunk (I was apparently his second happy hour of the day....and we met at 5:45 pm...hmmm) and managed to pound 4 beers in the time I slowly drank 2, but otherwise, it was entertaining to say the least and he was certainly respectful of my invented boyfriend and did not try anything. Some snippets from the conversation:

"I mean, I was never a smoker, but I used to be a bodybuilder, so I guess sticking a needle in my ass is just as bad as smoking, right?"

"My ex-fiancee was a sweet girl, but she was just lazy. I don't understand how she can finish work and be TIRED at 6:00 and not be able to cook me dinner and clean the apartment."

"Of course I kept the ring. What? Was that bad?"

"When I was at [old firm] I was basically nocturnal. I used to come in at like 10:30 or 11:00 and then work all night. Sometimes I would sleep under my desk, but I mean, that was only like 3 - 4 nights a week."

"I think I'm pretty normal for being the son of two shrinks."

Overall, though, was pretty fun, and I'd write him an official recommendation for any female who wants to dabble in the slightly-damaged-goods category for a short while. Does seem like a nice guy, despite the 7 year relationship and all that. Unfortunately, as I've sworn off the second-hand, slightly irregular and just plain broken ones for 2010, I'm going to have to pass.

The final update on why desparation is not sexy

2010-05-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

Just to come full circle on this one, after Mr. PLEASE Date Me! sent me both super-snarky and passive aggressive emails, I decided that this was a situation which would not resolve itself without an actual response from me (since, unlike approximately 95% of the population, this guy just didn't get the hint that no response = I'm just not that into you). So, I took the slightly coward-like approach and rather than saying "You are a desperate psycho who I believe may need some serious help of the sit-on-the-couch-and-pay-to-talk-to-me variety," I instead opted to tell a slight white lie and respond with the following:

Hey Mr. PDM - Thanks for the email, but I've actually started seeing someone, so I don't think it's going to work out to meet up. Best of luck to you!

CD

And his response:

Thanks for the heads up, finally. (I am bummed, but I sorta suspected "yoga with the girlfriends"/etc. seemed a bit fishy...)

If you change your mind, drop a line.

Mr. PDM

I mean, the snarkiness continues still? This is the point where in his shoes, you cut your losses, say best of luck and move on. WE'VE NEVER MET. I am nothing more than a chatroulette friend or a Craigslist Missed Connection at this point, Mr. PDM! Why take the time to throw in the extra jabs re: "finally" and "yoga with the girlfriends seemed a bit fishy"?? And FYI, I WAS going to yoga with my girlfriends, and if you can't deal with that, you can't date me. EVER. And I'm sure my yoga-doing girlfriends would agree with me 100% on that decision!

Also, if I had any doubts before, I'm damn sure I know why this one is still single...and THAT is that.

I knew I was right about this one

2010-05-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

So after receiving what I deemed a super-snarky email from Mr. Please Date Me! earlier this week, I decided to just let this one pass me by and focus on more important things. Umm, I think I was right and that this one is a total creeper. After not responding to his email (and mind you - we met ONLINE, if you don't get a response, you LET IT GO, I mean, we haven't even met in person OR spoken on the phone yet!), he emails again (aka the "hail mary"). Except the hail mary was both (1) snarky and (2) a bit creepy. The damage:

Gosh, silence. You are a tough crowd. Well, if you are still there, I'm free this Wednesday night, and I'm off from work Friday/Saturday...(FYI, for you, I even started running somewhat seriously again...)

Umm, I'm sorry, but sending a SECOND passive aggressive email is not likely to do you any more good than the first one. But enough with that, what's with the FYI section? "For you, I even started running somewhat seriously again."?!?!?!!!! We haven't even MET yet. I'm sorry, but that's just creepy. Even if it's meant in an ironic way, that's just creepy. Agreed??

I'm sorry, I tried, but I'm just not going to do it

2010-05-05T11:14:00.001-04:00

At everyone's urging, I agreed to give Mr. PLEASE date me! a chance, even after his initial efforts appeared to be on the desperate and slightly pathetic level. I understand the value of giving someone a chance to show that they are just excited to date me, and that they do have a life of their own. However, I just can't.

The rundown: he emailed me 5 days ago saying hello. I wrote back. He writes back but doesn't ask me out. Ummm, okay, I guess we're cooling it off from our initial intensity, which is a solid choice. Fast forward 2 more days, and he emails again asking if I can meet up for drinks either Weds or Saturday. I write back saying that I would love to meet up, but unfortunately those days don't work for me. (Ummm, Weds is Cinco de Mayo and Saturday is SATURDAY. Right. Not first date nights.) My email was definitely nice and asked him when else he was free either this week or next week (okay, fine, I book dates a week in advance and other people do not do this, but it's essential - I have a lot to do!) I then receive this email in response, which I found a bit too snarky for my tastes, especially for someone who I haven't met yet, and who I wasn't that into meeting in the first place:

"OK, Now we are getting a bit silly. Perhaps you could provide me some days and times that sound good to you this or next week, so I'm not losing a game of calendar bingo with you."

Umm, really? I'm sorry, but showing your passive aggressive nasty side THIS early in the non-existent relationship is not going to get me to email you back and set up a date. I date enough jacka**es without having to actually make an effort to date them. So, sorry Mr. PLEASE date me! but you're out of luck this time.

jealousy. It's the best weapon.

2010-05-04T11:13:00.000-04:00

Ironically enough, I've received the most comments / emails / text messages, etc from friends regarding the sad saga of my grandfather's dating fail. Rest assured, everyone, he is doing well and recovering from this minor drama in fine form. In fact, the lovely Ms. L is now attempting to get him back!! True to the nature of my family, after she gave him the boot, my grandfather got back on the horse and set out to make some new "companions" in the wild and crazy world of his old people farm. Now, the other "girls" have been saving him seats at the community events, and sitting with him at dinner. And guess who is up in arms? That's right, Ms. L, when you had him all to yourself it wasn't good enough, but now that he's going to watch the magician sitting next to another dashing 85 year old female, all of a sudden you want want he's selling. I'm sorry, too little to late. Take that!

...where you eat? (aka, reason # 234234987 why I left the law)

2010-04-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

So this guy is a former lawyer, who is now apparently some sort of therapist-to-the-legal profession, and his latest article exposes that little heard of, completely unlikely phenomenon of law firm office romance. Imagine that! Now, I believe that I can classify myself as an "expert" in the field of shitting where you eat, and any federal jurisdiction in this country would do the same. (try to challenge me lawyer friends, just try...) So, my thoughts on his diagnosis of this "problem" endemic to the legal profession.

First off, he's completely right as far as the timing (or lack thereof) leading to office romances. Deal goggles aside, there's just simply NO time for anything else when you are billing over 2200 hours per year. You are NOT fixing your lip gloss in the office bathroom at 6 pm before heading out to your next fabulous blind date; instead you are attempting to locate that spare pair of comfy pants you thought were in your bottom drawer when your outfit that was cute at 9 am suddenly becomes quite confining by 9 pm after that take-out Chinese food for dinner. Even if you do get out at a decent hour, you're not feeling it. However, neither is the hot guy in the next office, who is also (conveniently) working late. It's a lot easier to walk across the street for post-work drinks with someone who has watched you have a complete meltdown when "PC Load Letter" appeared on the copier for the 5th time in half hour than to pull it together to meet someone you've never met before and who doesn't understand how X partner is a total d-bag. So, that's right.

Now obviously I agree with the single vs. married dilemma (this applies to all parts of life, not just office romance), which The People's Therapist puts succinctly as "Is there a problem with getting it on at the office? If you’re married, or in a committed relationship, the answer is easy: yes. That’s because, if you’re sleeping around, you’re lying to someone." So, done. And I also agree with his sentiments re: power struggle when you have the 20-something female associate and the 40-something partner knocking boots in Conference Room 11A. First off, that's just not sexy. And second off, only one of you is getting off, and the other one is getting effed, at least career-wise. Don't bang your boss, people. I mean, really?

But is there REALLY a problem if you're both the same age, single, and would probably date in "real life" if you met under other circumstances? On this point, I do disagree. Certainly, I'm sure, there is a higher probability of workplace romances that fail rather than workplace romances that work out, but there are still some that do. I worked with 3 out of my 4 "serious relationship boyfriends" at some point, and all of those relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with work. Granted, they were not the healthiest, stablest or the poster children for functionality of relationships, but at the same time, they were all real, honest attempts at making a go of it. So, I think there is something to be said for commonality of experiences making dating easier, which means that there's at least a common starting point for the future when you're working the same job and dealing with the same drama everyday.

However, I'm also 100% happy that my new job is dating-prospect-free for the first time in the last 6 years. It's refreshing to be able to separate one part of my life from another, and, quite frankly, I would be FINE if I never dated another lawyer again in my life.

PLEASE date me!! PLEASE!!!

2010-04-27T15:05:00.000-04:00

My many rules of dating tell me that desperation, in the form of "I'm free whenever you are free," is decidedly not sexy. And, I hate to say it, but it's true. Although sometimes it's nice to feel sought after (as in, of COURSE I'm going to email him right now as soon as he emailed me - doesn't that show I like him?!), in the long run it's really kind of scary.

Case in point - decent guy emails me from a dating website a few days ago. I looked at his profile, thought about writing back, then went and ran a half marathon in pouring rain on Sunday which pretty much zonked me out for the rest of the day. To put it succinctly, drinking beer on the couch was my #1 priority, and responding to emails that required brain capacity was somewhere down below cleaning the apartment. I really WAS going to write back - he was cute and funny! Then, fast forward to Monday, when I get a second email from him, saying that he really liked my online profile (how original) but he guesses that I didn't like his because I didn't write back. Ouch. Now I feel (1) guilty and (2) like you didn't get enough love as a child. However, due to the fact that I had a craptastic day yesterday, I was home by 6 pm with nothing to do but watch trash TV and respond to a lot of emails that had been sitting in my virtual pile of calling cards, including this one. He responds 15 minutes later, informing me that he was in a KINKO'S in Union Square (he lives in BK) because when he saw my email pop up on his phone he wanted to make sure to respond promptly and give it the true attention that it deserved (aka, replying on a computer and not a phone).

Now, while I appreciate that 160 characters about my personality + 3 or 4 pictures online could inspire such deep devotion in a person, I am slightly scared for his sanity. This smells like something, and that something is desperation. Oh, and it's not sexy. I get it.

do the rules apply to work/dates?

2010-04-21T21:39:00.001-04:00

Part of my job involves talking to people on the phone for long periods of time over the course of several months, until eventually you learn pretty much all their neuroses and you recognize their cell phone number on your caller ID. Because this is MY life, I spent the last 4 months working with a guy who within the first 10 minutes of us meeting in person, I found out that he was working around the clock, was no longer living at the address I had on file because he had (1) moved back in with his parents after (2) breaking off his engagement. Clearly, this one had "winner" written all over him. It actually got to the point where I would joke to male office mate that if I ever contemplated dating Client Guy, he would break the glass on an emergency kit designed specifically for this circumstance to prevent that from happening - broken engagement + neurotic + living with parents? Totally my type.

Now, fast forward through 4 months of phone calls and excessive drama, to the point where there were several instances where I felt that Client Guy was on his cell phone with a noose around his neck and one foot stepping off the ledge, it's finally done and it's time to celebrate. Client Guy was incredibly happy with the way things turned out, and wanted to take Boss & me out for drinks to celebrate. A few hours later, Client Guy calls me back on my personal line (how DID he get that? I have no idea) and updates me on his situation, which is followed by this exchange.

CG: Keep an eye out for the mail for the next few days - you're going to be getting a delivery. Probably wine or vodka. You guys were great to work with - I owe you.

Me: Thanks, it comes with the job, you were great to work with (etc, etc).

CG: Can I ask you a question?

Me: (hesitantly) ummm, okay?

CG: Are you married?

Me: (cracking up) No, I'm not married.

CG: Well then can I take you out for drinks? Like, take you out? Like, not with Boss? You know what I mean?

Me: (thinking to self, this deal isn't finalized yet): Ummm....okay?

This was NOT in the job description.

on the flipside

2010-04-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

It often amazes me that there are guys out there who go through the same emotional drama that I do as a female in the dating world. From my perspective, they just go through life occasionally banging some chick while alternating this behavior with lifting heavy weights, eating disgusting things, and watching porn. They don't commit, and they don't worry about what the girl they last banged is doing when they're not together. Now, I realize this doesn't apply to ALL guys, but it overwhelmingly does seem to apply to those I end up dating. However, I overheard two different conversations today which cracked me up, and made me realize that it's really just rough all over.
This morning, in the coffee room, I encounter 2 guys mid-conversation. One guy is telling his coworker about his previous evening. Apparently, the guys both went for drinks with several other coworkers, and then guy #1 left drinks, got on the subway, and went to dinner.

Guy #1: I mean, it was like one block from drinks to the subway, then I got off at West 4th and it was like 4 steps to dinner. I couldn't call her then.

Guy #2: Totally understandable.

Guy #1: So then she starts texting me while I'm at dinner, asking why I didn't call her after drinks like I said I would. I texted her back that I was running late & would call her after dinner. After dinner it was like 10 and she didn't pick up, so then I texted her, but she didn't write back, and now it's 9:45 the next day and she didn't call me back and it's like, why is she pissed? I called her last night after dinner because I don't like to go to sleep with her mad at me, and she doesn't pick up, and it's like, baby, I love you, I'm sorry you're so mad at me, but it's not my fault....

at this point I had to leave the kitchen to avoid cracking up.

Conversation #2, overheard outside my office while coming back from lunch.

Guy #3: So what did she say when you talked to her the next day?

Guy #4: I think she sort of liked you, but it's probably not going to work.

Guy #3: Why not?

Guy #4: Well, she thought you were nice, but kind of immature. She's looking for someone with more direction, or something like that.

Guy #3: I don't get it - I have a good job, I want to go to grad school. Doesn't make sense.

Guy #4: She also wants someone who makes a lot more money.

Awesome. Nothing like the hard truth.

On my complete lack of GayDar...

2010-04-12T16:03:00.000-04:00

So one Saturday night, after being pseudo-stood up by Tuesday night guy, I sort of re-found (aka, intentionally stalked) this guy I banged once or twice in college on Facebook, the universal equalizer for drunken mistakes. He's SUPER excited to have reconnected, and we spend a week sending each other long emails about what we've been up to since college, how we're both runners, it's awesome. I'm totally digging him (he's effing adorable), but yet,he doesn't ask me out. We go back & forth forever until (on office mate's urging) I stop writing him novels in response to his emails and eventually we stop talking so much. I threw out a last ditch "we should meet for drinks or a run sometime" email (the hail mary, I'm sad to say), which went un-responded.

Fast forward a few days, and I'm reassessing the situation with my girlfriend and her husband, who reads through the emails, and immediately comes to the conclusion that he's gay. Now, once he said it, the clues were pretty clear. He "LOVED" living in the west village. He has tons of girl friends but no photos which look like he's with an actual girlfriend. He works in the art industry (a stereotype, I'm sad to say, but still often valid). I countered with the fact that he was in a fraternity in college, but this was met with further proof of a questionable orientation.

But, in my defense, I was clearly blinded to his gayness by the FACT THAT WE HAD SEX, dammit! Again, dating fail.

Apparently, dating FAIL runs in my family

2010-04-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

My lovely grandfather is a widower, who spent nearly 65 years married to my grandmother prior to her passing away in 2008. After that, he decided to get "back in the saddle" and find himself a new "companion" so that he would have a partner for exciting things like playing bridge and eating dinner at 5:30 pm. Somehow, after my grandmother passed away, he managed to get back in touch with a lady we will call Ms. L, who was the younger sister of a childhood friend of my grandfather ("younger" is clearly a relative term - the woman is now 85 years old). She was living in Arizona, he was living in Jersey, and they developed a serious phone relationship over several months. Fast forward a few more months, and he's heading to Arizona to visit her, and 6 weeks later, he's bought an apartment in her old people farm out there and packing up the Jersey house to head west.

After about 6 months of being out there, things start getting rocky. Although my grandfather and Ms. L have gone on vacation together (things like a fabulous cruise through the Panama Canal, and another one scheduled thru Alaska in a month or so), she starts dropping hints like "I can't have dinner with you every night because I had a life here before you moved out here and if I spend all of my time with you I'll lose my girlfriends." (heh - "girlfriends" - they're all in their 80s). So, my grandfather plays by her rules, and limits his time with Ms. L to her specified amount. And then today - on my grandmother's birthday no less - Ms. L calls him up (probably at 8 am, a clearly acceptable social time in their world) to tell him that she no longer wants to be a couple. As in, she's just not that into him anymore. She's 85, he's 89. So basically my entire family is a complete dating FAIL these days. But seriously, WTF? What else does this woman have going on - women outlive men significantly - it's not like she's got a whole selection for the choosing?!

just a quick moment of hilarity

2010-04-08T12:38:00.000-04:00

this was not today's intended topic of discussion, but I had to take a minute out of my busy day to pass along this gem. So the ex-date formerly known as Tuesday night guy previously flaked on calling me, and followed up the phone-flaking with disappearing off the face of the earth and not showing up for a previously-confirmed-but-location-not-yet-set Saturday night second date. Despite confirming it by email on Friday. Whatever, we know the drill, he's just not that into me, and the more I think of it, I really wasn't that into him and was pretty relieved that I didn't have to go on that date. This was two weeks ago, and I really haven't given him a second thought (or heard another word from him either, by the way).

And today? Oh, today I receive a request from him to connect on LinkedIn. Well, I'm super glad that even if he doesn't ever want to see me again, at least he wants to be my virtual friend for business purposes. Super glad. That's what this dating project was intended to do - really. I actually laughed out loud reading the email.

Okay, seriously, WTF is wrong with you?

2010-04-07T11:54:00.000-04:00

I can't even keep up with the antics of BK Guy # 3 (are we up to 3? I forget). A quick back story. We connected online, and spent about 3 - 4 days emailing each other semi-often, pretty funny emails, got to the usual "let's talk on the phone" stage, and exchanged numbers. As in, he's in my phone (under his first name only, which is SUPER confusing b/c now there are 2 guys under the same first name and I cannot figure out who is who - the dangers of the impersonal internet universe). And, being in my phone, and emailing me saying "I'll call you soon," generally means he will CALL me soon. But, we remember that 80% of guys met thru online dating are d-bags who will most certainly flake. Therefore, the bar is perpetually set at about knee height, and for me, that's pretty damn low.

Now, after this initial flurry of activity which took place during the last week of February, shocker of all shockers (that's what she said) there was no phone call. Now, I have his number but, of course, I can't call him, so therefore I say c'est la vie and move on to the next contender. In the normal world of internet dating, this is the final kiss off and he disappears into the online world like the Christian Louboutin pumps I once found on eBay for $150 which then mysteriously disappeared less than 10 min later (that was obviously traumatic, and it was like 3 years ago. Digression.) However, this guy is a rare breed. I then receive an email TWO WEEKS later saying something along the lines of "where did the time go...I was stuck on a project....can we chat soon?" which I promptly ignored, upon office mate's advice of "Once a flake, always a flake." And, two weeks in the online dating world is equivalent to about 3 months in reality. Once you're no longer on top of my dating queue, you're out of sight, out of mind.

So, I'm done with this one. But, apparently, my online persona is so incredibly scintillating that BK Guy # 3 just canNOT get over me. Now, nearly a full MONTH after he sent his last email, he texts me asking if we can chat sometime. At this point, the persistence is either impressive or scary (or else he's got me on a "to do" list which pops up monthly reminders on his phone - pun intended). We text a bit, he tells me he's got a 7 pm meeting and he will call after. I am clearly holding my breath. At 9:30 pm I receive a text saying "my battery is going to die, heading back to BK - are you up late?" I responded that I was tied up for the rest of the night. He then texts me at 11:15 at night saying "time flies - are you around?" (at 11:15 I was passed out in a margarita-induced coma). I haven't responded yet - this sort of seems like it's getting weird, but now I'm just intrigued.

He also seems to be the most irresponsible person ever, which clearly makes him datable. Clearly.

Once a PPFB, Always a PPFB

2010-04-05T14:50:00.000-04:00

In modern society, recycling is clearly all the rage. We're all going green, and finding ways to reduce consumption and turn things that used to be something else into something new. So, I mean, it is only fair that I apply this theory to my dating life, right? I mean, there's recycling ex-boyfriends at PPFB's, and then there's recycling PPFB's from 2005 as....PPFB's from 2010. Okay, point made.

Now, as soon as the springtime hits, I generally fail in my quest to be a responsible adult and continue my hunt for serious dates. However, in a further effort to avoid derailing any positive progress with real potential dates, I bring you the "recycling doesn't count" theory of dating. Case in point - if I slept with you at some point in the last 15 years, it doesn't matter if I sleep with you again, right? Well, right and wrong. If I "dated" you in the last 15 years, there's a pretty good chance that you were some form of a PPFB or a SOAFBNRFB, and if I suddenly email you out of the blue, there's also a good chance that I pretty much want one thing and one thing only. Is that SO bad?

I've tried the application of the 2010 dating rules to guys that I've slept with before, and it sort of sucks. I mean, you actually know these people (perhaps also in the biblical sense...) and trying to pretend that you only want to meet up with them for 2 drinks or that you won't respond when they text instead of call you is kind of silly. It doesn't translate. These are people that I most likely showed up at their door at 2 am after a night of vodka shots and I'm going to suddenly start having 2 drinks then running out the door because I have to get up early? Not likely. I'm generally emailing you out of the blue because I WANT to violate Rule No. 5, preferably as soon as possible, and with minimal pleasantries exchanged beforehand. Most likely there's a REASON I didn't date these people back in the day....granted that reason may be because they didn't want to date me, but still. Office mate is still all gung ho to get me to try it, and quite frankly, it's just too odd. I prefer to keep my potential dates in their world of rules and regulations, and my old and new PPFB's in a consequence-free society of debauchery, where they clearly belong.

Feeding before F*cking

2010-03-31T10:55:00.000-04:00

Take my advice. If you want to successfully date in a stress-free way, you need a fuck buddy (FB). The person who you like well enough as a friend, but who you are 100% sure that you never want to seriously date. You have fun with them, you're comfortable with them, but you're not going to be sitting on neighboring rocking chairs in your twilight years, if you know what I mean. It's the person you make plans with late at night, or randomly on a weekend afternoon, with the MUTUAL understanding that it's 75% physical and 25% friendship and 0% relationship.

Now, there are 2 kinds of FB's that fit into this plan. For starters, there's the purely physical FB. The PPFB is someone that you can't actually remember having a substantive conversation with, but you do have a lot of random sex. They're someone that generally lives in a convenient location to your job/home/where you go out until 3 am and seem to be generally available (or will cancel plans at the promise of sex) via text message. You've probably never had a phone conversation with the PPFB beyond "my place, 20 minutes?" and in fact that is infrequent because it is usually 3 am, you are usually deciding whether to take the 45 min subway ride home or go to their conveniently located apartment, and you make this decision thru the "r u at home? want company?" text msg sent prior to leaving the bar. The PPFB is awesome for what they are - a late night distraction. You probably never want to see them in public, and if you did, you probably wouldn't recognize them, or know their last name. You're also about 75% sure of how you met, and they may or may not be 23 years old.

Then there's the other FB - the sort-of-a-friend-but-not-really FB. The SOAFBNRFB usually starts with a friendship which one day evolves into something drunk and naked. This is generally followed by the crucial decision - do I cut my losses, try not to be a cheap slut, and actually try to date the SOAFBNRFB, or do I realize that this is never going to work out anyway and just keep things the way they are. Once you've made your decision to choose the latter option, it does get quite interesting. The SOAFBNRFB might very well tell you about other girls he's dating (I mean, you ARE friends...sort of), but at the end of the night ends up in bed with you. You go on "sort of" dates, aka "feeding before fucking," which are generally a lot of fun for several reasons: (1) you ARE friends...sort of; (2) you have some things in common...sort of; (3) the SOAFBNRFB will generally pay for dinner, since he doesn't want to be a dbag (even if he won't / can't commit - not that you want him to); and - the crucial factor - (4) there's no pressure! There is guaranteed sex following this "date," and no need to play games like you "have to get up early" when all you really want to do is get naked. Plus, there is the added bonus of not having to stay over if you don't want to, which is great since the SOAFBNRFB generally falls within the mid-week date category.

Granted, from my perspective, if I actually meet someone awesome and start dating them on the pathway to living happily ever after and all that jazz, the FB's fall by the wayside. The PPFB is generally forgotten once you've closed the door to their 3rd floor walkup apartment / swanky doorman building (they come in all shapes & sizes) for the last time, but the SOAFBNRFB usually sticks around for a bit until you realize that you're really NOT friends, and the whole "friendship" that you sort of kept going was really premised on entertaining each other until it was time to get naked. You'll see them at the occasional mutual friend's wedding, and it won't be awkward because if it works out right, no one cares anyway. Harsh, but essential.

phone flakiness = not hot

2010-03-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

So Tuesday night guy followed up on the first date with an email asking for a second date. As we all know, an email is NOT a phone call, he was perfectly able to pick up the phone before to ask me out. However, his track record sucks. He flaked on calling me on Monday, like he said he would, to set up the Tuesday night date. Tuesday morning he sent the apologetic "I guess I should have called you to set up plans yesterday, but are we still on tonight" email. At the urging of office mate, I went anyway, and had a relatively good time. Agreed to the follow up date set via email on Friday, with the last email saying "I'll give you a call later just to say hi." Well, I'm sure it's a *shock* that he didn't call Friday "just to say hi" (I mean, seriously, why bother? It's a second date, dude, we're not at the stage where I want to just say hi to you for no reason). But it really pisses me off that I haven't heard from him by 5 pm on Saturday to firm up plans for tonight. So, I think there needs to be a formal update to the 2010 Rules:

12. Phone flake on me once, shame on you; phone flake on me twice, see you later. Don't say it if you're not going to do it. Actions, not words. Even if you "sort of" make plans with me over email, if you flake on when you say you will call me, you're just not into me enough to remember what you said you'd do. Especially AFTER you've met me, clearly realized how awesome I am (or, alternatively, whether we have the potential of awesome between us). Therefore, you get one pass on the "I'll call you later," but 2 flakes = a pattern of flakiness = either (a) you're a flake (and who needs you) and/or (b) you're just not that into me.

13. I turn into a pumpkin by 5:30 pm. My workday generally ends at 5:30. Therefore, that's my cut off - weekends or weekdays. If I don't have a specific plan beyond "let's do something, I'll call you" by 5:30 pm, I'm sorry, but I'm out. This is for everyone's best interest - if I'm sitting around waiting until 8 pm before you tell me where to meet you, then you are not into me enough to make sure that I'm going to be on board for whatever you have planned, and - let's face it - I'm going to be cranky from having to sit around and wait for you. Also, (see Rule No. 2), I am not SO available that I can be called upon at the last minute to be dressed and ready to go out (even if we've "sort of" set up something for that night). If you're not going to be that into me, and show me that you care enough to make sure at least a couple hours before the date that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing, you're just going to miss out - at least for that night. It's not a deal breaker, but you sure as hell better get with the program next time.

the one before the one...and the next one...and the one after that

2010-03-27T13:11:00.001-04:00

Apparently some British chick already wrote a book about it, but I'm living proof. It's absolutely uncanny how every single guy I've seriously dated (or "dated") in the last 8 - 10 years has married the next woman he dated seriously. Not joking. Clearly, I spend anywhere from 1 to 2.5 years giving them a heavy dose of "what I don't want in my relationship" and then somehow, miraculously, they find it pretty soon thereafter. As usual, a rundown:

My law school boyfriend, who couldn't possibly get married to me. I was 24. He was 27. We lived together in a room smaller than my current apartment for 2 years, including a sweltering and excruciating summer studying for the bar exam. You want to talk about something that would break up even the perfect couple, go spend 3 months studying for a test together. In a really hot apt that only has AC in one room. You will be so super awesome by the end of that, I promise. The warning signs came after the bar exam, when I finally had an income and therefore could get my own apt (and not just sort of one day have moved all my crap to his place after I had to bail from my parents' house), he let me move out. We had been together over 2 years at this point, we were both starting new jobs, I thought that clearly we were on the fast track to marriage. (I was 24...remember this). I moved out in August. We broke up by December. I guess if he liked it then he would've put a ring on it. I heard he got married about a year or so later, to a law school classmate of ours. Ouch.

My first year of having a real job (FYOHARJ) boyfriend. This one followed hot on the heels of my law school boyfriend debacle (there may have been minor overlap, but nothing serious). This was the kind of relationship that started off bolting out of the gate, and then sort of slowly faded over time. Had I said the word, I would've been Mrs. FYOHARJ right now. Although he's a sweet guy, I think one of us may have ended up being thrown off a balcony by now. I just couldn't do it. We had a mildly contentious breakup, followed by him (1) moving in with a female classmate of his as "roommates"; (2) dating roommate and (3) marrying roommate. Which all started within about 6 weeks after our breakup. Alright, good for him.

My deal goggles boyfriend. We worked together. All the frigging time. In fact, all I did for those 15 months was work, so it was exceptionally convenient that the one person who also worked with me all the time was single, lived one subway stop away and was totally into me. And we STILL never did it on the desk. Sigh. Man, did we try to make that work. When it comes down to it, we really just had less than nothing in common, to the point where at the end we were doing things that we knew would intentionally piss each other off. We had lots of vague and going nowhere talks about "the future" and things of that sort, but when it came down to it, we both had ideas about the future, they just didn't include each other. Right. We kept banging for about 6 months after breaking up, at which point he said "I'm dating this other chick, and I think it's getting serious, so I guess we have to stop banging." True to form, the wedding is in May. He actually called me for a consult about the engagement ring (and sucker that I am, I spent 45 min freezing my ass off on a street corner talking to him about the 4 C's). However, when we started to have an IM conversation about whether band or DJ was a better option, I decided my work there was done.

So I'll just use this as an open letter to my 2009 "boyfriend" who is now dating some other chick - it's clearly time to start socking away 2 months' salary because, no matter how much you don't want to, you will end up marrying your current girlfriend. I'm sorry, but that's just how it goes.

Sometimes relationships get ill...no doubt

2010-03-26T11:48:00.000-04:00

Looking back at the last year or so of my life, had I followed even ONE of my 2010 dating rules I would have had quite a different 2009. It's actually kind of amazing how from my current outlook on all of this dating nonsense, I allowed myself to think things like "well, he texted me twice this week, so that means he likes me, right?". Not even. So, considering I managed to spend an entire year "dating" a guy who constantly told me that we were "not dating" like it was a hilarious fact, here's what I've taken from that emotionally draining drama:

If they say they're not dating you, then they're not dating you. It's pretty simple, but it was definitely one of the things I just couldn't get. I mean, it's hilarious when you say you're not dating me, right? There's no pressure; I can do whatever I want - it's awesome! Who needs labels, anyway? Two thoughts on this - (1) you DON'T need labels, because even if they don't ever officially say "we are dating," you'll know from their actions, which tell more than their words, whether you are or you aren't, and (2) there's a serious difference between not saying anything, and affirmatively saying "not dating." In fact, when any guy "jokes" to the girl he's banging that he's "not dating" her, this should be followed by Mr. T as B.A. Baracus jumping out from behind a potted plant and shouting, "Sucka!"

If they're not asking you out on dates, then they're not dating you. We've been thru this before. A 1 am booty call is not a date. A 1 pm "I've got time before I have to go back to the office - my place in half hour?" is not a date. Dates involve novel concepts like food, advance planning, telephone calls and keeping your pants on. Right.

If they're not inviting you to the "real" friend events, they're not dating you. This one is tricky. If they never, ever introduce you to their friends then obviously you're not dating them. Dating (as opposed to being "into you") means that you want this person to be an actual part of your life, which includes your friends. But, the gray area arises when you are only asked to the peripheral events - the occasional birthday party; or night out at a bar - but not the "real" events, where people do things like talk to each other and get to know each other (with or without tequila shots). Case in point - I spent a year actively not being invited to things like roofdeck daytime parties; group dinners; weddings; birthday dinners, etc. I was invited to any event: (1) which required shots in excess; (2) started after 10 pm, and (3) had high potential of a drunken return to his apartment. I never had brunch with his friends EVER during an entire year of "not dating." Learn from my mistakes - no eggs + hangovers + friends that live in the neighborhood = not dating.

If they don't want to meet your friends, family or anyone important to you, they're not dating you. "Oh he's just busy." "He's not ready." "He had a tough week, so he's going to sit this one out." Ever make any of these excuses? I certainly have in the past. It sucks having to make excuses for someone who has flaked on everything you've invited them too. Is it REALLY that taxing to have 3 beers with my friends on a Friday night just to make the effort and show that maybe, just maybe, you care about what I do when I'm not with you? Answer: No. But, if you're not dating me, you're not required to make this effort. Oh and also, if they're not making this effort ever, then they're just not that into you. No doubt about it.

One final thought....I'm usually pretty good at keeping in touch with my exes. Probably to a fault, but as long as the relationship ended relatively amicably, I'm okay with letting a little time pass and then communicating again. Sometimes this level of communication is polite conversation at a mutual friend's wedding, sometimes it's occasional emailing about topics of mutual interest; and in certain situations, it's meeting up for drinks or dinner from time to time. However, this is NOT a license to assume that I am back at your beck and call. Also, this is the classic situation where the ex likes to throw the hail mary, keep you on the hook in case the girl I'm currently dating doesn't work out off-hand comment - watch out for this. If they tell you that they sort of were ready to tell you that they loved you six months ago, but they just failed to actually do so, RUN. It's not sweet, it's not "OMG! He soooo loves me and will break up with her and although our relationship was super crappy before it will be totally different and awesome this time!!". No. RUN.

Weekly Dating Rundown

2010-03-25T09:55:00.002-04:00

Here's the rundown from this week's experiment:

Sunday Funday...or not.

The contender: met online, 30, lives in BK (good); has a dog (another plus - he's responsible); has a Ph.D. and a solid job (yes and yes).
The location: Wine bar, outdoor table, Ft. Greene - his suggestion. (nice; it was a beautiful day)
The rundown: Nice, but no spark. We kept a decent conversation going for about 2 hours, at which point he did the universal sign for "this date is over" - not ordering another glass of wine when he finished his before mine was halfway done. I took the hint.
The sendoff: "I'll catch you later" after walking me in the direction of the subway.
The conclusion: He's just not that into me, and I'm just not that into him.
Rank:+ +

Monday = Fail

The contender: met online, 29, lives in BK (a plus); lawyer (+/-; plus for good job, minus for the fact that the job is being a lawyer); don't know much else
The failure: After exchanging emails saying "how about drinks Monday?" (his suggestion); he failed to call or email....ever.
The conclusion: He's just not that into me from the brief amount he learned online. This is just silly. Who really cares?
Rank: + (although honestly, he may not even have a pulse)

Tuesday shows some promise....

The contender: met online, 29, lives in NYC; has his own business; active & athletic (both pluses, or else they think I'm insane)
The location: Awesome local bar, DUMBO - his suggestion. (props for both the choice and the location)
The rundown: Nice, and interesting. I was exhausted though, and definitely did not keep up my end of the conversation, which is exceedingly rare for me to be in any situation where I actually allow someone else to out-talk me. Oh, and out-talk me he did. It was kind of like being on a date with myself in the male form. He's cute enough (although somehow was slightly cuter in pics). I think we hit it off (at least, he was able to entertain me for over 2 hours).
The sendoff: I may have done the involuntary head turn when he went to kiss me goodnight, or he was aiming for the cheek. I really, really hope it was the latter, I was TIRED, dammit! The convo: "Will I see you again?" "Yes." "I'll give you a call."
The conclusion: He's potentially into me, and I'm potentially into him. We'll see if he calls.
Rank:+ + +

Rankability, say what?

2010-03-24T14:39:00.002-04:00

I've decided there needs to be a ranking system so that I can remember who is who, and who I actually want to go on a second date with...and also who is just not that into me. Since I'm clearly the most tech-savvy person I know, I've actually had to create a Google document to remember who I've emailed / called / met through online or various other sources with, gone on dates with, when, where, and whether I want to see them again. Now I've had to add a "rank" column. The ranks are as follows:

+ = male; human; has pulse. Showed up for the date. And that's about it.

+ + = Able to carry on a conversation for at least some of the date, and not terribly awkward. Moderately interesting. Has opposable thumbs, and uses words of more than one syllable only. Zero-to-low interest in seeing this person for a second date.

+ + + = An almost-winner. Good conversation, enjoyable date. He's creative / interesting / good looking or (hopefully) all of the above. He knows to do things like open doors and do the "who will pay the check" dance. I'm most likely on the fence about whether he's more towards the "friend" category or the "boyfriend" category, but I'll give him another shot. Moderate-to-high interest in seeing this person for a second date.

+ + + + = A total winner! This guy better start cleaning out the second closet in his bedroom, because I'm moving in. Absolutely want to see him again, preferably RIGHT NOW. Often, as elusive as the Yeti, Loch Ness Monster and the Sasquatch.

The Rules, Technology Addition

2010-03-24T11:32:00.003-04:00

My basic 2010 Rules of Dating need some tweaking for the wonders of technology. Does a text count the same as a call? What about an email? Can you facebook friend them? So here's the rundown:

8. Do not Facebook friend them. I've made this mistake before. "Oh, my profile is private, so he'll never be able to find me, and I really want to be able to look at all his pictures so we NEED to be FB friends!" No, actually, you don't. He doesn't need to see the 45 pics from last summer where you and your girlfriends were doing tequila shots on the beach. Nor do you need to spend 3 hours of your workday clicking between pics of him with his ex-gf, obsessing over what she looks like, how you compare with her, and, judging by the date the pictures were posted, whether he's still into her. This is giving him constant access to everything you are doing (if you're a regular facebook-er), and the mystery is gone. Plus if things go south, your only defense against his popping into your head every day via "status updates" is either to hide him or defriend him. Just don't do it.

9. A text is not a call, nor is an email. I spent almost an entire year "dating" a guy (yes, "dating") who I spoke to on the phone a total of less than 10 times, and at least 5 of those times were post-second-official breakup. Anyone who will not pick up the phone and actually SPEAK to you is not that into you. Granted, there are exceptions (the quick "running late" or "does 6:30 work?" or "at the back table near the door" texts are totally acceptable). The "I met you online, we exchanged half a dozen emails, then you gave me your number but instead of calling you to ask you out I'll just take the easy way and text you 'free friday?'" text is not acceptable. Nor is the "we've dated for 8 months but I will never, ever call you" relationship. Set your patterns, set them early. Which also leads to...

10. Phone dates are NOT optional. This really only applies to dates of the blind date / set-up / online date category, and not to the guy you met in the bar who asked for your number (although, depending on how many drinks in that was, it might apply there too....). You don't want to get stuck in the awful realm of super hilarious online personality turns into conversationally-challenged hermit when you get to the bar and order your first drink. As my dude friend put it:"I'd be all into a really witty profile. And then I'd meet them somewhere and it's dead silence. Like... You must have a really awesome diary, miss. But I'm not going to sit here and mumble about my job all night." I couldn't have said it better myself.

11. Online dating = 80% d-bags, 20% guys that are actually looking for a date. Once I learned this, I stopped feeling rejected and loser-ish whenever a guy stopped emailing me on a dating website. Of the 80% d-bag population, maybe 10% think they're actually looking for long-term dating, but they're too lazy to follow thru with it. The other 70% are looking for (1) random sex; (2) 5 minutes of internet entertainment while watching TV; (3) random sex, and did I mention (4) random sex? They might not REALIZE this, but it's the truth. If they really want to date someone, they'll keep emailing you. Or actually call you. Or - shock! - meet you in person. The impersonal nature of the internet can get your hopes up b/c it's like a candy store of people to email that you *think* are looking for a serious relationship (he DID check the "long-term dating" option! how should I know?). If you assume that 80% of the people you exchange more than one email with are going to fizzle out in some d-bag-esque way at some point along the road, you'll be disappointed a LOT less often.

the set-up

2010-03-23T11:10:00.017-04:00

when every woman in NYC has 6 different circles of female friends (growing up, college, grad school, friends from the gym, old work colleagues, new work colleagues, and more)getting all of them together, especially when a majority of them are married / living together / seriously dating and one of them is me, generally turns into the "who can I fix you up with" show. In this latest installment, I end up hooked up with a guy we'll call Mr. Set-up #1 (b/c there will doubtless be more stories of set-ups on here).

Mr. Set-up #1 is amusing over email. He's cute when I facebook & google stalk him. We exchange hilarious texts and set up a phone date (*** more on the importance of the phone date, later). Then a real date. In the pre-Rules dating world, anything goes. It's Tues night, we meet in a bar and have 2 or 3 giant beers. I'm tanked, so let's get dinner. And more drinks. And after dinner drinks. And make out in a bar. Thankfully, he had the good sense to throw me in a cab at 1 am. I don't remember much past 11:30.

Amazingly, despite all indications to the contrary, he asks for date #2. Which we agree will be less alcohol-fueled than date #1. Date #2 is awesome. Then we get really drunk. And then we're in a cab, we're at his place, it's 4 am, you get the drift. Breakfast the next day was nice. Breakfast was also the last time I saw him.

I didn't call him, he called me 2 days later but didn't leave a message. But he called, right? So that's good, right? Umm, not good enough. If he's not leaving a message, he's just not that into you. If they're into you, they make sure they get in touch with you - they don't rely on the "she'll see the missed call and call me back" theory. It was a pity call, due to the mutual friend nature of "the set-up." I texted him asking him for drinks the following weekend (breaking rule # 1), he said he'd call Sunday. He did not.
Conclusion: He's just not that into me.

I could spend the next 3 weeks obsessively texting him and seeing when he was "free to grab drinks - had so much fun last time!" or I could just accept the fact that it was 2 fun dates, and that's all. Next, please.

Dating Dilemmas: How Late is Too Late?

2010-03-22T12:47:00.002-04:00

Dilemma: Met cute guy on dating website. Exchanged moderately humorous emails. He's cute in his pictures. Emailed a couple of weeks ago saying "I'm out of town for work next week, want to get drinks when I get back?" Answer: Sure, hit me up when you're back in town.

A week goes by, no contact (this is acceptable; he's out of town). He's back, it's Weds, he emails: "How about drinks on Monday?" I write back a day or so later, "sure, sounds good, here's my number, let me know where & when."

So, umm, it's Monday. It's almost 1 pm. No other contact from him. Is the date still on?

Applying office mate's logic, the date is on until I hear from him that it's off. But I can't CALL him (Rule No. 1) and I can't send the "are we still on, just wanted to firm up my evening plans" email, because apparently that sounds (1) desperate and (2) crazy (that, I just don't get, but I've committed to playing by the rules, so here it goes). But there has to be a limit to these "rules of dating" - I can't spend my life in an endless cycle of non-communication. So, instead, I'm applying my rules - I'm waiting until 5:30 pm when I leave work. If he hasn't called or emailed me by then, the date is off. And I'm getting a burger w my girlfriend at our local bar, because you can't beat a Monday night burger & beer special by sitting at home waiting for someone who may not call.

**Update: 7:15 pm. The phone has not rung, the email has not dinged. So, date off. Now - and here's where we realize I'm finally learning things! - had I sent my "are we still on" email at 1 pm, not only would I be not on a date right now, but I would also be (1) desperate, (2) crazy and (3) totally pissed off that not only did he not call me tonight, but he was NEVER going to call me and I made it worse by breaking Rule No. 1 (since he never firmed up plans w me, emailing to say "are we doing something tonight?" is the equivalent of asking him out). In other news, that burger is going to taste delicious.

The Rules

2010-03-21T15:45:00.002-04:00

I've never been the kind of girl who subscribed to "rules" of dating. I'm also 30 and single. And I have a newly-engaged office mate who shares her theories of dating and relationships with me to the point where either she & I live on different planets, or I'm just an idiot. She's engaged. I may be an idiot.

So, Greg and office mate, I'm giving your theories a shot (with a few twists of my own).

The 2010 Dating Rules:

1. Don't call him, and never ask him out. Apparently, not ever. Who knew this? According to my sources, guys like to pursue women. Well, I mean, I knew that. But, even in this age of equality and liberation, I'm not allowed to pick up the phone (or text or email, you get the drift) and suggest "let's get a drink sometime." Apparently as soon as I do that, I go from "attractive" to "needy and desperate." This makes no sense to me. I'll try it.

2. Don't be too available. This one makes sense. No one wants to date someone who is always sitting at home waiting for them to call ("You want to have dinner with me in 15 minutes at a place half hour from my apartment? Don't worry - I'll be there!" = unattractive). However, I'm a busy girl with a lot going on after work. My fail-safe is usually to accept dates if they are offered on a night when I'm actually free. Apparently, this is a no-go. My Google calendar could now resemble some sort of NASA-style scheduling operation for all of the "I'm free", "I'm not free" and "I could cancel this to hang out with X guy but I'm not free unless X guy calls" that I've got going on there. So, if you want to hang out, I'm busy. But I'm free on Tuesday.

3. 2 drink minimum. The first date must-have. You can't get to know someone in the 15 - 20 minutes it takes to slowly drink one glass of wine. Therefore, it's a 2 drink minimum. (I hear my grandmother in the back of my head saying "give them a chance! Don't be so quick to judge!" as I write this). On average, it takes about 1 to 1 1/2 hours to order, obtain, drink slowly and pay for 2 drinks in a standard NYC bar (this process could also be done in 10 minutes, which leads to rule #4). This is enough time to determine whether you (a) have enough in common to actually keep a conversation flowing for most of this time; (b) can stand to be in the other person's presence for a significant amount of time; and (c) get to know enough about them to determine if you want to see them again. Which leads to the...

4. 2 drink maximum. The companion first date must-have. Two glasses of wine on an empty stomach after work is enough to determine whether factors (a), (b) and (c) are met, and whether you want to see this person again. In VERY special circumstances does the 2 drink max become a 3 drink max (food is involved, the drinks are super small or coming super quick, etc). I seldom followed this rule in the past. Which caused violations of rule #5.

5. For the love of all that is holy, don't bang him on the first date! For some reason, it took me 30 years (well, I guess more like 16, but that's a technicality) to get this one. If one more time I am told that men will not "buy the cow when they get the milk for free," I am going to move to a dairy farm. I also resent being called a cow. Also, following rule #5 is more likely to avoid awkward morning "where am I and who are you" moments, as well as leading to exciting things like potential second dates where you eat actual food. Amazing.

6. Always, always, always leave them wanting more. It makes sense, right? I mean, you're not going to go back for seconds at the buffet if you already had a towering plate of mac & cheese, right? Let's say the first date is amazing. You totally click. He understands why you don't like to eat foods that are blue and totally laughed at your bad summer camp canoe incident story. You want to try the same 10 restaurants in the city. You love the same bands and one of them is touring in a month. He's actually dropped the "you'd totally get along with my mom" during the first conversation. The chemistry is THERE, baby! So, you should hang out for 6 hours, and go to work hungover the next day, right? WRONG. Follow Rule No. 4 (modified as necessary for the 3 drink "super special situation"). Use the warm / cool approach (credit to my office mate) ("I'd love to have another drink, this is so fun, but I really need to get up and train for my triathlon tomorrow at 5 am"). And go HOME. Not his home - yours. And don't bring him with you. (Rule 5! Rule 5!). Because, if he felt it too, and if you don't call him (which, as mentioned earlier, you CAN'T), he's going to ask you out again. Because he wants seconds.

7. If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you. You saw the movie. You read the book. This one is HARD to understand. In fact, this one took me the most effort to put into practice, but since I have, it's gotten a lot easier to head out on first dates without planning the wedding somewhere around the 45 min mark. If you have your 2 drinks, you have a nice time, you don't bang him in the bar bathroom and you head home, he'll call you. If your phone is not ringing, it's not because he lost your number (you met online, remember? he could email you there). It's not because he's been so busy at work that he didn't have 45 seconds to text "work has been crazy, but I really would like to see you again. Are you free Friday?". It's not because he's mourning the death of his goldfish or the Yankees' loss last night. Drill it into your head - Greg's right - he's just not that into you. Once you get that straight, you can move on. Because one thing I've learned for sure is that in a city like this, there is always another one around the corner.

No excuses, just results.

2010-03-21T14:57:00.001-04:00

Greg Behrendt, unintentional relationship guru, wrote a tough love relationship book which had thousands of women saying things like "this guy is full of crap" and "he doesn't know what MY situation is - obviously the guy who has not called me back for 6 weeks is either busy/out of the country/lost my number/dead." However, after many, many unsuccessful dates in the last year, I'm taking it to the next level and giving Greg's theory a shot, combined with my new and improved dating rules for 2010. So either it works, or he's just not that into me. I'm assuming it can only get more amusing from here.

A brief rundown on the classic first dates that I've been on in the last year:

BK Guy #1: Met him online (common theme for a lot of my dates). Hilarious over email. Cute enough in photos. Good job, lives in my 'hood. What could go wrong, right? Answer: EVERYTHING. I got off the subway that evening to meet him at the bar near our apartments, and said to myself "I hope that totally dorky guy who sort of resembles BK Guy #1 isn't actually BK Guy #1." Yep, one and the same. Strike one. Sit down, order drinks, and he proceeds to stare at me silently for a full 30 seconds. Where is that witty banter that was present over email? WHY did I not insist on a pre-date phone call? After only one glass of wine, I could not keep up the one-sided conversation anymore. I pulled the "must get up early to go to work" excuse and bailed. Told him I was busy until November. This date was in September. Conclusion: I'm just not that into him.

BK Guy #2: Another online winner. Met at local wine bar, all seemed to be going pretty well. After my first glass I thought "this guy is so full of himself, I must escape immediately." However, in sticking with my "2 drink" rule, I decided to tough it out for a second drink. After that, told him I had to go home & get up early, went to the ladies room to find that he ordered another round AND food. After sitting thru another hour of why he was so great b/c he's a med student ("i'm gong to be a doctor, I'm smarter than everyone else") and why he was living in BK because it was cheap ("just b/c I'm going to be a doctor doesn't mean i have money now and women don't get it"), he stuck me with the check and then texted me the next morning to ask if I had spoken to my therapist about him yet. (note - i don't have a therapist, so this was even odder). I never wrote back.
Conclusion: I'm just not that into him, and I hope to never end up as his patient. Or his therapist.

BK Meat-up Guy: Yes, "meat" up. Think speed dating for drunk hipsters. I went with a single girlfriend, we hit it off with a pair of cute dudes by the end of the night. This ended with a 3-date fiesta. Date #1: eve of Xmas eve, freezing night, super awesome A+ date. Drinks, dinner, plenty to talk about. Sweet! He leaves to "head home for the holidays" and will be "away thru New Year's," but wants to see me when he gets back. Apparently, the text message function does not work on his phone once it leaves the NYC area. Nor does the phone function. However, just as I'm giving up hope, we have date #2 scheduled for right after New Year's. Another awesome date. I'm psyched, this one doesn't suck. Date #3 ends in my apartment, followed by brunch the next day. We take the subway home, and the last I've seen of him was as the subway doors closed and the train slowly pulled away. I didn't understand! You like me! You wanted to go on three dates with me! You didn't even try to sleep with me! We're facebook friends! I'm going to call you every day! Where the heck did you go??
Conclusion: He's just not that into me (but it took me 2 weeks of un-returned calls, emails & texts to realize this).

So now we begin the dating project. It's a no-nonsense, rule-intensive dating fiesta, and it's either going to work, or I'll be...in the exact same place I am right now. No excuses, just results.